absolution

i just saw that it's the 20th anniversary of this album. i remember it well, though i did not come across it quite so early in my life. it was a few years later when i was a little bit older. it was when i first started to appreciate the late nights, it was when i had my first heartbreak. i rmember listening to this album at 4am in the morning, in the silence and in the dark, the broiling, swirling melodies stirring my already embattled emotions... bringing me through tears to rage to feelings that i did not know existed.

挪威的森林

hi penny
my only reader
a story is as good as a memory
this song is for you


i recently came across this song and in particular, this version of the song. it left me enthralled and as i dug deeper, i found out that it was written inspired by the Murakami novel, Norwegian Wood.

i read this novel years ago when i knew nothing better (haha), and it too blew my mind. but as i read more murakami, i began to detest his work, for he did nothing other than to write sad, pointless stories just to fuck with clueless minds.

he did this very well, i'm not contesting. murakami writes the saddest, most emotionally draining stories i've had the misfortune to read. but at the end of it all, i ask myself, what is the point of these stories?

but penny, this song is for you. this song tweaked a little something within me that i didn't know existed, and it has been on repeat for the past month. i'm not sure if you understand the lyrics (i didn't too, had to google) but perhaps you can feel it. these feelings linger in the spacees between logic and emotion, the more you try to make sense of them, the more they fade away.

the nights gone by

tonight i learnt that people may treasure different aspects of their lives, some in certain areas more than others.

tonight i've learnt that there's a stark and significant difference between a work-friend and a friend from work. 

on my end, i've never bothered with work-friends. every person i've met through work that i've spent personal time with, i've known enough about them to treat as a friend. 

i've learnt that sometimes i do make the right decisions in my relationships. 

unbelievable as it may sound, especially to my inner circle and ex-lovers. 

sometimes... sometimes i am correct. it may not be apparent at the first moment, but as time goes on things become clearer. 

today i learnt that you should never compare yourself to another person. i've known this for years but to witness (once again) the level of vitriol is astounding. 

there is literally no end to it and at every step all i see is jealousy and disquiet. 

 tonight i learnt that good friends are hard to come by and even harder to keep. 

friendships don't remain the same forever so pick the right ones to keep.

i was the one worth leaving

there has been several nights and several lessons missed since my last post, but tonight's lesson is that no matter how awkward, i may need to be clear with the girls in my life. 

i was never the best (i'm shit) at communication, but have also always written off such difficult conversations under the cover of 'we both should know.' i should well know that emotions and logic are at opposing ends of the spectrum.

as time goes on, i've began to understand the two-way discourse and appreciate how i have neglected this in the past, out of my desire to avoid any awkward or inconvenient scenarios.

last friday i had a very uncomfortable but necessary conversation on such an issue. it was not the best thing but i went through with it and i feel everyone is better-off with this resolved.

the beers

i've always enjoyed drinking ever since the first time i got drunk at 17 (yes late bloomer, this trend will carry on later in my life as you will see).

it was only in late 2015 that i truly (truly) began to enjoy drinking, and since then i haven't stopped. drinking has really changed my life - the things i've learnt in those countless drunken nights have opened my eyes to this world and i would think i am a completely different person from before. i've learnt so much about myself and the world around me as compared to the rest of the years i've been alive.

through the drunken nights i've learnt to break free of my introverted shell. i've finally understood what love is. i now know what makes me tick and have let go of my youthful ideals.

one side effect of all the drinking though is that i have a very bad memory now. i can't remember a damn thing and i think it extends into my past memories too, although you can't remember what you've forgotten so i'm not sure how much is lost.

as it goes, i really do appreciate the beauty of forgetting. everything is transient and it is literally how the universe operates. but it is only through humans' self-proclaimed importance that we try so hard to cling on to what is ethereal. and in forgetting, i've (possibly involuntarily) let go of things that have plagued me for years.

but all that aside, tonight, after a few too many drinks as is usual, and after being inspired by my one mysterious reader "penny," i've decided to start a new series here: lessons from the beers. each night after drinks i will write down the things i've learnt from that night of beers and post everything here.

this will be a chronicle of my drunken nights and what i've gained from these nights other than liver damage, a horrible memory and a reduced life expectancy.

should be fun.

the unbearable...

in the last few years i've learnt to appreciate - or accept - the transcience of my life, and as i see more, what i once saw in black or white, i now see in grey. everything is in grey.

i've never found it easy (or even possible at all) to describe this mindset to anyone else. it almost feels shameful - behold this man without faith, this man with no god in his heart, this man who lives only for himself. everything is in grey.

"there is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison." we all go through our days with this idea of immortality in our heads, be it in this life or the next.

i've gone through this many times before, through multiple rounds of drinks or even none at all, but even through misfortune or misintepration or otherwise, i have never had another who've said to me, "i get it."

"i get it," that our sufferring is an innate feature of our being, that this was all written in our genes centuries before.

"i get it," that although there's nowhere else to hide, we accept that everything is grey.

2

now x years into my working life, i find myself sinking and digging deeper to find things that might stimulate my senses.

but it is at times like these, 2am and a firm drizzle outside the window, i hear and smell the rain over the low burble of my soundtrack tonight.

2am and i'm thankful that i'm awake at this hour, not for the drinks or the ladies, but thankful that i'm awake to appreciate this little moment.

♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

i came across this a few days ago... i don't know what it is but i'm absolutely mesmerised by the entire thing.

of course it doesn't hurt that she's cute as hell too.

poot

i sold my vespa about 3 weeks back. admittedly, it wasn't as though i really loved it, but to see it being ridden off by someone else, knowing it's gone... it looked beautiful - something i've never noticed in the last years, because as always, we're fucked up only treasure what we had when it's gone.

7 years is a long time to get attached to something and there has been a fair bit of memories and stories associated with that bike. loves that came and are now gone, friendships made and lost, all the near-misses that felt like i should have been dead...

it has also become a little part of my identity. friends would recognise it on the road, people knew i rode that little scooter. they would talk to me about it, ask how old was it, how fast could it go, why i chose to ride such a stupid old-man vehicle...

now more than 3 weeks on, i still haven't figured out if it was a good thing to let it go. after all, i've owned that vespa for a quarter of my life. do i feel better not having unneeded memories bogging my down? do i feel a sense of loss that a major artifact from a large part of my life is now gone?

vroom

from the time i got my bike license in 2008, i have never considered improving the license so that i can ride higher capacity bikes. i figured i would ride my vespa until it couldn't be ridden anymore and then call it a day because every ride is a risk and the smart choice would be to stop while i still have a fully-functioning body.

things were going smoothly until september last year when i seized my engine while speeding along on the expressway and escaped injury or worse through my cat-like reflexes. what ought to have been a straightforward piston replacement turned into disaster when the mechanic discovered some issues with my engine. he advised that there was no easy fix and the only way out was to send it to the scrapyard.

in the meantime, he tried to bodge it as best as he could. it still runs, but feels like it's gonna fall apart at anything above 70. it will still run all day at 60, but damn i feel like i'm a damn tortoise on the road and it's annoying as hell, considering i could once cruise at 90+ without any problem.

i started looking around for options when i came across this. it was love at first sight, and i cursed myself for not taking my further licenses - i would have to pass twice to be able to ride it, which means mid-2017 at the minimum. all my earlier concerns are also out of the window. i just need to ride this bike NOW.