i am suck

"the sedatives tell you everything is alright."
jet black new year - thursday

the much dreaded common tests are over. they weren't as bad as i've expected. probably because there was only econs which i had to really attempt to study for. 3 tests, 1 open-book, 1 too dumb for me to bother.

i think i didn't do too badly. i hope. but being able to 'not do too badly' with what little information i had is kinda unsettling. because i either actually didn't do alright, or i really managed to do alright.

in the first case, i'm fucked. in the second, i feel kinda guilty to be able to do 'alright' while slacking my balls off all the time. people like my mother would probably think that her son is actually so fucking hardworking when i am obviously not.

i feel bad when people give me praise which i do not deserve. although my mother doesn't praise me.

reminds me of back when i got my o'level results. my aunt thought that i did well, and said that i was smart and good and godly. i felt bad because 19 obviously sucks balls. even if 19 was good, i felt i didn't deserve it because i put VERY minimal effort in my studies.