sometimes

"and as the summer's ending, the cold air will rush your hard heart away."
photobooth - death cab for cutie

sometimes i get urges, not those that make me want to stick my hand into my pants, but something more disturbing. and no, it does not involve my ass and a foreign object.

years ago i was at a mcdonalds and for some reason i felt that i wanted to eat some fries off a stranger's tray. and i only snapped out when i was standing beside their table.

now, i sometimes feel like jumping out of my window. i feel compelled to find out what it feels like to be seconds away from death, hurtling through the air, waiting for impact. it's the kind of feeling that no living person has ever felt. and for some reason i want to experience it.

once i considered cutting one of my fingers off just to know what it feels like. the pain, the phantom finger, and what it feels like to be without something that has been with me since the beginning. besides, i don't use all my fingers.

please note that i'm really not crazy or suicidal. i do not get such urges all the time. i think i was just too bored during the holidays. but what i wrote is true. i think i'm just curious. very curious.

i have a feeling that people will think i'm crazy and alienate me after reading this. but i'm gonna post it anyway.

- written sunday morning, 29th may, 1.10 am, and again forgotten till now.