long gone

"to vanish into oblivion is easy to do
and i try to be but you know me
i come back when you want me to
do you miss me, miss misery
like you say you do?"
miss misery - elliott smith

sometimes i rediscover an old song that i haven't heard in ages, i can close my eyes for a moment and it almost feels like i've been transported back. it's as though if i open my eyes i may find myself some place else, back to the period when i was most 'into' the song.

it seems like my memories are attached to the songs i was listening to when they occur and there can be more than one to each song. my brain rewinds itself when i listen to the songs again.

the feelings, thoughts and memories all come back. little details i thought i had forgotten become so clear again, it's strange. sometimes i like the memories and other times i don't. that's why i'm afraid to listen to some songs.

miss misery was on my playlist during my attachment days and when i listened to it just now, i could remember myself walking back to city hall from marina after work everyday. i remember the hazy skies blurring everything around as i walked, and it felt very dreamy back then. it feels dreamy now too.

half of me hated the haze and the other half thought that the 'special effects' it made were rather pretty. i would look at the giant tv screen at suntec but only see a large halo through the haze, and think about my life and everything else. i still remember what i was thinking about.

strangely the memory chose to attach itself to only this one song despite it being part of a playlist of over 30. maybe because it's such a special song. maybe if you listen to it you'd be able to see my memories too.