cougar part 3: something's missing

3. being in the army
the pain of ns is not one that is sharp. it will not leave you writhing on the ground, screaming in agony. the pain is more of a dull ache that constantly gnaws away at your brain and at your heart. the aching comes and goes, sometimes it is so gentle that you forget it's there, sometimes it gets quite strong and you try to distract yourself from the pain, but the pain is always there.

even on weekends when you're free to roam the earth as you please, the pain will still be there throbbing at the back of your head, reminding you that in a day or two you're gonna be back on the ferry, back on the island, back to all the fun.

i've tried to figure out just what is it about ns or about the army or about being on that island that brings all this pain, and i think i know.

there's an army song that goes "here we go again, same old shit again." in the army it's just same shit, different day. everyday is just one long bore, every week is just one longer bore, every month is just... each day is spent counting down to book-out day, and each book-out day is spent counting down to book-in day.

there's no excitement being on the island. everyday you wake up and you know it's always the same people you're gonna be seeing for the next 17 hours, the same people who're gonna be shouting at you or working with you or having fun with you. it's always the same.

in the outside world, there's always the chance, no matter how slight, that something vaguely interesting is going to happen. maybe you'll meet a hot chick, or perhaps you'll somehow decide to fly overseas for a holiday. there's an element of surprise or spontaneity even in the most mundane of days.

it's not like we don't do different or new things in the army, but it's just that you always ALWAYS know that no matter what happens, you'll be having breakfast lunch and dinner at the cookhouse, you'll be going back to sleep in your bunk with the same people at 2230, you'll be waking up at 0530, and the cycle starts again.

maybe after reading this you'd think that the pain is nothing much, and i have to agree because it is not as painful as i thought it would be, but it is always there and that's how it causes the damage. even now when i'm at home with nothing to do but to relax and enjoy my leave, it is busily gnawing away, reminding me that in a week's time i'll be off to more unknown lands, facing more unknown adversaries.

ouch.