yes, just like that

the ns guy who died recently was my cousin's platoonmate. the way he died was so strange that it made me slightly worried about those around me. normally people die when they over-exert themselves, like while running and having sex, activities that will raise their heart rate for extended periods.

this guy died while doing pull-ups. pull-ups aren't even supposed to be tiring, and yet he died. it just made me think about how much at risk we all are, to just suddenly kick the bucket over nothing at all. it could really happen to anyone, my family, my friends, even myself.

sometimes i try to picture myself dying and how others will react to my death. will they be sad? will i be remembered, or will everyone just shrug their shoulders and continue living? i also try to think about how i would feel when someone around me dies, and i cannot imagine the feeling.

the last time someone close died, i didn't feel anything. it was my grandmother, back in november 2000. we weren't close although she lived with us since forever. i remember going to the hospital and seeing her on the bed, unconscious. once in a while she would spasm (really) and i thought she would probably wake up in a day or 2 since she was still moving.

my eldest aunt was visibly upset, but everyone from my immediate family seemed very normal. after a while we got bored and went to the 7-11, and while we were there her condition worsened i think. when we got back my aunt was crying and erm almost everyone else were very normal.

after a little while, a tear rolled down from my grandmother's eye and she died soon after. my relatives were saying she was waiting for us to get back and see us one last time before she died. now my eldest aunt was crying hysterically and some of her sisters were teary, while everyone else were again very normal.

my young 12-year-old mind was thinking "wtf? she died just like that?"

maybe that'll be going through my mind again the next time, or the minds of others when i die.