me vs me in a cage match

today i had to go for my HIV blood test, and i've been feeling quite uncomfortable about it. not because i'm worried that the result would be positive, but because it involves sticking a needle in my arm.

injections are one of the things that i've conditioned myself to dislike, which is why i think i hate myself. why else would i make myself dislike something for no apparent reason at all? just to see myself suffer?

i remember when i was in primary 1, we had to go for an injection in school. some people were afraid but i just went and sat there. i knew it didn't hurt so i wasn't bothered. in primary 6, we had our BCG injections. there were 3 jabs if i'm not mistaken. some people cried and fainted, but i just went and sat there again.

and then, somewhere along the way, i randomly decided that i hate injections and that it's disgusting having something stuck into my skin. i don't recall The One Injection where i first developed this fear, but the one furthest back was probably when i fractured my arm in secondary 2 and the stupid doctor stuck 2 drip needles in my hands for nothing.

before NS, i was quite worried that i would become a medic because i heard stories that they had to jab each other everyday as practice. wow that would truly be a nightmare.

and so came today. blood extractions are particularly disturbing because the fecking needle stays in my arm for a long time while the blood is being sucked out, and furthermore the fecking needle is inserted at an angle which i find even more disturbing.

while waiting, i decided that Today, for the first time in my life i am going to look at the fecking needle. watch that little fecker while it enters my skin, and maybe my fear will be gone for good.

so i went and sat there. i looked at my vein, but just as he was about to stick it in, ARGH i couldn't take it and looked away. and then i watched as he pulled the plunger and my blood began to flow. it was alright looking at it, but when he moved the needle FECK! i could see and feel it under my skin.

now i'm sad to say that watching myself get jabbed didn't help at all, and i'm sure that if i had to do it again i'll still feel very very disturbed.