i can never win

it has been a long-foregone conclusion that i cannot study with any sort of distractions around me, because anything is better than studying. no music, no computer, no tv, nothing. i'd rather even look at ants crawling about than study.

however, i always insist on playing music while studying, although i set it at an extremely low volume. this is because studying itself is so damn boring that i simply cannot handle it on its own. i need the music, however insignificant, to provide some sort of release.

so if you think back on what i've said- i cannot have any distractions, but i insist on distracting myself with music. what the fuck is wrong with me? probably the reason i don't do very well but i cannot justify torturing myself with 100% pure studying.

perhaps the only way i can concentrate fully is if i'm locked up in an empty room with nothing other than my studying material. even then, i'd probably spend a whole lot of time fighting the demons in my head, or wandering away to the far-off lands of my mind.