how does it feel?

"cos you'll never be ok
you'll never be ok
you'll always be in pain
you'll always feel this way
coz things they never work out right
you'll always be in pain"
trouble breathing - alkaline trio

recently i was ill twice in a week. first i had a fever that made me feel hot and cold all night. i was very cold, but when i covered myself up i would start sweating. i spent most of the night trying to find an equilibrium, inching the blanket here and there to get the optimum coverage.

and then 2 nights later i had some serious killer stomach ache. woke up at 2am and spent over 2 hours sitting on the throne, being murdered by stomach cramps and lots of shit. normally the stomach aches would be gone when i'm done shitting, but this one stayed with me all night long.

somewhere during my suffering came a moment of enlightenment: it is very easy for people who are unwell to forget how it's like to be normal. doesn't matter if you're sick or injured or heartbroken, you just can't remember how being 'normal' feels like.

i could only think of normal as not being sick, but failed to remember the feeling of being normal. and when you don't remember, it's very easy to think that you'll never be alright again, that you'll be stuck like this forever.

i guess that's why some people decide to end it all, because they're not well and they just can't remember what it was like before. they can't even find a glimmer of hope. they can't live like this forever.