argh

sometimes i feel so stupid that i scare myself. has it ever happened to you? like fuck, such things can happen to others, and i always snigger at that. but now me?!

perhaps i was a little too arrogant to think that i was excluded from stupidity. perhaps i really wasn't stupid before, but now's an entirely different story.

but i guess that's life, becoming stupid at all the wrong times. otherwise it wouldn't be any fun, right? right?

101108

HOW COULD WE TAKE THIS CHANCE NOT TO CELEBRATE?
the end of the year is soon approaching, and as i always say in retrospective, "wow, that was fast!" people tend to evaluate their lives in yearly intervals. "what have i accomplished this year? what do i want to do in the next?"

therefore it is around this time when people are the most sensitive to themselves and their surroundings. they are more aware of their achievements and defensive about their shortcomings, because they have thought about their lives and they know.

the new year and christmas period is a big event in the minds of everyone. whether or not they realise this, whether or not they confess to this, the fact is that no one wants to be alone or lonely during this time. they all just yearn for someone special to be with them, to celebrate this special time together with.

and so it is because of this that some people will try to make amends for the wrongs they did, hoping that they can one again make things right. this, together with the year-end self-evaluation can lead to normally rational persons doing things that are extraordinary, things that they've always wanted to do but have put off out of fear or pride or laziness.

"NOW is the time," they think, it's either now or never. unfortunately, as is often the case with such wild gambles, there will be immense failures and small successes. for every person who spends the festivities with a smile, there will be countless others forcing out a smile because they are embarassed by their failure.

they will wonder why in the blue hell did they even bother trying? why did they bring such pain upon themselves? but at the end of the day, they'll always believe that the next year will be better. they have to lie to themselves or else they wouldn't live to see the light of day.

brrr

after a week of marinating in the cold melbourne air, the heat in singapore is just feeling terrible. i just find it impossible to do anything outdoors without sweating and getting irritated by the sweat.

it's not that i wasn't irritated by the sweat before this, but now that i've experienced the joy of cold weather again, the contrast is more apparent and more painful.

i think everything outdoors will be 10 times more fun if it wasn't so bloody hot and humid. even something simple like walking down the street would be better without the sweat.

ramble ramble ramble

22 sep

yea i've been missing for the past week because i was in australia for holiday. now i'm back and have more or less nothing to do until next monday when i start work at wherever. i should go buy my bike. it's really now or never.

it feels strange that i'm officially out of camp forever. i've been a trainee for 10 months and now i finally have to use my brain. i wonder if it's still working? but yes, strange that i don't ever have to stay in and enjoy all the other associated fun-stuff related to camp life anymore.

this is weird. i'm sleepy and my brain's not working anymore. the words refuse to come out. goodnight. i think i'm losing my ability to write interesting stuff. fuck me. goodnight. i shall just reproduce more stuff from my journals. goodnight.

301008

THE SEASONS CHANGE, THEY CHANGE WITHOUT ME
"our world's exactly the same. rain falls and the flowers bloom. no rain, they wither up. bugs are eaten by lizards, lizards are eaten by birds. but in the end every one of them dies. they die and dry up. one generation dies, and the next one takes over. that's how it goes. lots of different ways to live. and lots of different ways to die. but in the end that doesn't make a difference. all that remains is a desert." SOUTH OF THE BORDER, WEST OF THE SUN

101108
"without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door. 'why have you come?' she asked Death. 'so that you can fly once more with him across the sky,' Death replied. 'if you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him even more; alas, you now need me in order to find him again.' " ELEVEN MINUTES

061008

IF THIS IS THE LIFE THEN WHY DOES IT FEEL SO GOOD TO DIE TODAY
everyday feels the same here. i thought it was bad back in tekong but it's ten times worse in this place. there's so little interaction with the world. at least back then we had newspapers occasionally. now we have nothing. i probably wouldn't know if the world stopped turning until every friday.

to make things worse, we go through almost the same routine daily. 0530 wake up. 0545 fall in. 0600 water parade, breakfast or pt. 0640 flag raising, drills or pt till 0900. 0900 lecture. 1200 lunch. 1400 lecture. 1630 drills or pt. 1800 dinner. 2030 water parade. 2230 lights out.

the days just drag on and on until it becomes one long day. i'm only in my third week here and i'm already halfway dead. 30 weeks more, not including this week. so long and so boring.

there's very little joy in our training. instructors always pull long faces even if it's not necessary. we have been told that in the police force we will learn a lot but not have any fun. that's the sad trade-off between police and army. they don't get to slack as much, but they can have fun and enjoy their time there.

what i can look forward to are public holidays and other landmarks along this long road, they help break down this long journey into smaller bite-sized chucks and make life easier to go by. trying to look all the way to april next year is just too much to handle.

up next is deepavali, followed by TASTE OF CHAOS, my birthday, haji, christmas, new year, cny, good friday, then OH YES i'm out of here. seems very fast, but only to onlookers. in here, it is the longest damn thing that you'll ever know. 27 october, deepavali will save me. just a few more weeks to go.


maybe you'd know because i once said here that i kept a journal of sorts back in camp. i also said that i would try to show some of my entries here. so here's one of the milder ones. above is the date i wrote this.

oh, back then i thought i was passing out in april. we spent a total of 33 weeks in camp.

and i always titled my entries with a quote from a song. most of the time it made sense.

DEADSPACE

i'm passing out this thursday, finally. i should be happy, i thought i'd be happy, i'm supposed to be happy. am i? hah.

sometimes i think i'm sick. one day i'll die and they'll open my skull and find a mass of black inside. they'll open my chest and find another mass of black.

they'll preserve my body for exhibition: The Man With No Brain and No Heart. how about my soul? is it intact? or black?