go forth and prosper

today i went for my first interview of the year. i started in may of last year and this is the sixth one i've had.

i wouldn't say i did badly in my interviews, but my biggest mistake was being too honest to the point where the interviewer sees that the requirements of the roles are not suited to me (which is a good thing i guess).

the purpose of the interview is to sell yourself, and no one would want you if you're not 100%, or at least appear to be 100%. only tell the truth if it doesn't hurt you.

but as time goes by, i learnt from my mistakes. the best advice i can give is to just say YES to everything, even if the answer is no or maybe, because even if you can't do it now, you can learn once you start working.

and when they ask if you are better at A or B, the correct answer is BOTH, even if you are totally shit at one of them, because the one you are good at might not be what they are targeting.

some interviewers ask you to describe your strengths and weaknesses. for strengths, find something that you are relatively good at and tell them you are FAAAARKING good at it. as for weaknesses, just say something minor and inconsequential to the job which they can't possibly fault you for, like for me i'll say that i lack experience.

finally, memorise 2 standard questions to ask the interviewer at the end, in case you really can't think of anything specific to the job that you want to know.

RIP

recently i dreamt that i died. i've dreamt of myself near death numerous times before, but the shock of my impending doom always caused me to force myself awake. this time however, i really died.

in my dream i was swimming in an aquarium of sorts, it was huge, circular in shape and the entire tank was filled with water, meaning i couldn't go to the surface.

there were only 2 entrances to the tank, on opposite sides of the circle. i entered the tank and the water currents were very strong so i struggled to the center of the tank where there was a large rock feature.

the plan was to launch myself off from the rock in such a way that the current would bring me to the exit. it took a lot of effort to climb the rock as the current was threatening to drag me off.

after a while of struggling, i reminded myself that i had already been holding my breath for a long time and i needed to get the hell out soon. i continued climbing the rock as i felt myself getting weaker and light-headed.

i began to panic but was unable to climb any faster due to the lack of oxygen and the strong currents. everything started to get dimmer as i lost consciousness.

then all the panic left and i felt a strange sense of ease and calmness. i let go of the rock and allowed the current to take me away. the world faded to black.

so that's what it feels like to die.

interpol was right

"all these people that you've loved they're all bound to leave some keepsakes"
leif erikson - interpol

my sister broke up with her bf in october last year (thank god).

i don't know the circumstances behind it, but still felt a little sad (holy shit i have sympathy in my bones?) for that guy as it was just a couple of weeks away from his enlistment date.

it seemed like almost immediately after that my sis started seeing this other guy quite often but i don't know what was going on there either.

that new guy ended almost as quickly as it began, but she is totally fine and emotionless. she has always appeared quite blase when it comes to guys, as though it doesn't matter if they were there or not.

anyway, i wrote this because i heard my sister laughing just now and it sounds so much like the way her disgusting ex-bf used to laugh.

i know this because i hated him and everything he did annoyed me, and his disgusting laughter was right up there on the List of Annoying Things.

his laughter never failed to register my annoyance, therefore i quickly noticed that my sister was beginning to laugh the same way too (her laughter doesn't annoy me).

now he's gone but a part of him lives on in my sister. if it were someone else, i would perhaps find this rather poignant, but alas, he is a cunt and there's no room for sentimentality.

who is this

sometimes i wonder who would i be today if my life took some different paths, how much of me is truly me and how much is influenced by external forces.

i especially focus on the small things that were completely out of my control and yet had the ability to cause the biggest changes in my life.

things like what if my parents bought our first home in a different part of the country? right from the start my life would be entirely different. another school, another set of friends, but who would i be?

i wonder if all the other versions of me each exist in their own universe.

i wonder what it would be like to meet them.

i wonder if they are thinking of this too.

$$

both my parents grew up in not very well-to-do families, as were most families of their time. my father's family was probably a little better-off, but i really have no idea because i don't ever remember him telling us any stories from his past.

my mother, on the other hand, would tell us stories of her childhood. they were not exactly poor, but still had to scrimp a bit to make ends meet, especially in such a big household. she said my grandfather worked in a shipyard, and when he got his salary, he would first gamble with his colleagues (i dunno how often he did this).

if he won, he would buy good food back, and that was probably their only chance to eat such food each month. if he lost, he would come back empty-handed and lacking some money for that month's expenses, and my grandmother would scold him.

i am their first child, and by the time i was born, my parents were both working and earning a comfortable amount. however, they still retained their old mentality of being poor, so looking back, i feel that we were always thrifty and at the same time this also taught me the value of money.

it's not that they didn't spend, but everything had to first go through some careful consideration before they would part with their money, and all unnecessary expenditures were controlled, such as eating fast food or whatever. they were always willing to buy books, but when it came to toys, it didn't come easy. and being a kid, i would sometimes cry if i couldn't get the toys i wanted.

i remember one stupid incident where i wanted to buy some toy from the neighbourhood market and my mother just dead refused to get it even though i was crying all the way. it would probably have been easier for her to just buy it since now that i think of it, the toy probably costs less than $5 as it was one of those cheapo no-brand toys that you find in the market, but no means no.

the first 'big' purchase for my brother and i was the playstation, and to get it we had to go through so many rounds of cajoling and negotiation.

as the years went by though, my parents seemed to realise that they weren't poor anymore and started being more lax with their spending, be it on us or on themselves. by my sister's time, if she wanted anything, all she had to do was ask for it. my brother happily went along with the new ways too.

even though this option was open to me as well, i often felt this mental barrier and found myself unable to speak out when i wanted something. it just didn't feel right to have the things i wanted come by so easily.

but one thing i remember really asking for was digimon during the craze, and i had one of each from series 1 to 8. within a year, i started feeling so regretful for wasting that much money on this nonsense toy and it still bugs me till this day.

since then (10-11 years old), i've felt even more unable to ask for things, and most of the time i would find it easier to just save up my pocket money if i wanted anything. because of this i always think twice and three times before i spend any money.

these days i find myself being the thriftiest in my family and i just thought it was interesting how this came to be.

whatwhat

we're into the 6th day of the new year and i think it is the first time ever that i really feel that the old year is not over yet. it still feels like 2013.

it's caused by my current lifestyle where i could probably get by fine without any clock or calendar in my life.

last year (2012-2013) was the same but at least it felt like there was a clear demarcation of the new year, because it rained literally everyday in november and december but the sun came out on 1st jan and stayed for the majority of the month, and also because i went to the new year's countdown and fireworks.

this new year i was in a restaurant and midnight came by without any fanfare, we were wondering when to start counting down and suddenly some people were already cheering.

so yea, it's the new year. time to really really find some work now. i have been looking for a long time but it's always the same old jobs that are so terribly uninspiring and dreary...