i met a malaysian indian man during my work over the weekend. 25 years old from perak, already been working here for 3 years. he showed me a picture of his girlfriend and proceeded to tell me that the girls from his hometown are all very pretty, and how he gave the phone number of one of the girls in his hometown to a local boy he previously worked with.
he told me about his girlfriend, "i really love her and she also love me. last time i had another girlfriend but only she love me, i don't love her." he was rather surprised that i haven't had a proper girlfriend at my age. "just find any girl, ok-ok one, then if you love her, can already."
said he plans to stay here for another 2 years, save up and then go home to marry his girlfriend, and maybe continue working in his family's cow farm. afterwards, we saw a fat kid with a girlfriend in tow, sitting on a curb smoking because he seemed too tired to walk. "see, even that fat guy can get girlfriend, why you cannot?" he asked me.
speaking to him reminded me that perhaps life is, and can be, very simple, but we just choose to complicate it a little too much for our own good. complicate it to the point where it is impossible to get right, and then we're stuck in this mess that we created for ourselves.
happiness is very subjective, so why not make things easy for ourselves and just chill? i dare say this friend of mine would be much happier in his farm with his wife than the average singaporean in a 9 to 5 job earning more and living more comfortably. why? because he chose to be happy.
last week i was looking through my msn contact list and came to the conclusion that i only chatted regularly with about 10 people in the list, and probably only messaged 20 people in the past year. the rest of them i could delete and i wouldn't even feel it.
i was hard at work for 3 days over the weekend and didn't use the computer at all. yesterday i logged in to my msn and it said that the password was wrong. wtf? did i forget my password after 3 days? no way. i tried again. and again. and again with all sorts of combinations.
no luck. i clicked the link to reset my password, and they said that instructions will be sent to my email. the problem is, my email is hotmail and it uses the same password as my msn so i can't log in there either. what am i gonna do?
i felt so lost without my msn. thoughts kept running through my mind. "what if some hot chicks are trying to add me now? what if they want to ask me out?" yea basically all the thoughts involved hot chicks in some capacity or another.
thinking of creating a new msn address was depressing. i've been using the current one (or previous one, depending on how you look at things) for close to 10 years now. it has all my friends in there, and some whom i can't even consider to be friends.
there's no way i'll be able to re-add everyone because i do not have their contacts elsewhere. this probably means that i won't ever get to contact them again. it made me feel like i've lost so many friends all of a sudden.
today i tried to log in and failed again. i re-installed msn and i'll try again tomorrow. fuck me if it doesn't work.
it has been a long-foregone conclusion that i cannot study with any sort of distractions around me, because anything is better than studying. no music, no computer, no tv, nothing. i'd rather even look at ants crawling about than study.
however, i always insist on playing music while studying, although i set it at an extremely low volume. this is because studying itself is so damn boring that i simply cannot handle it on its own. i need the music, however insignificant, to provide some sort of release.
so if you think back on what i've said- i cannot have any distractions, but i insist on distracting myself with music. what the fuck is wrong with me? probably the reason i don't do very well but i cannot justify torturing myself with 100% pure studying.
perhaps the only way i can concentrate fully is if i'm locked up in an empty room with nothing other than my studying material. even then, i'd probably spend a whole lot of time fighting the demons in my head, or wandering away to the far-off lands of my mind.
i'm a firm believer of self-fulfilling prophecies. most times when i foresee disaster, i choose to keep it to myself because i think that the more we try to prevent something from happening, the more likely it will happen.
our actions will still bring about this downfall because it's the one thing that's always on our minds. that's why i think it's better to remain silent and just quietly hope that everything will be alright and that it's just my overactive mind at work.
when i first got my bike back in june 2009, i bought it out of necessity/desperation rather than because i genuinely liked it. the previous owner had just done it up, new paintwork, good engine, the only problem was the paintwork looked kinda...
it was green, some sort of pale green that i have never seen before on any other bike. at first, i thought that i'd get it re-sprayed, but as time went by, i figured it was quite a cool and unique colour and so decided to live with it. slapped on some racing stripes and it was good to go.
i decided to live with it, but that didn't necessarily mean that i liked it, and thus after the first couple of months, the bike was more or less left to its own devices. i parked it at an open area near my house, under the abuse of the elements.
if it was dirty, the rain would wash it. if it was wet, the sun would dry it. if there were muddy stains, newer muddy stains would cover it. and so it sat there for over a year, the only protection i offered was a plastic sheet over the seat to keep the rain from entering and soaking my butt afterward.
despite its state of disrepair, i doubt i'd have gone ahead with this re-spray if it weren't so banged up. left side dropped by some unknown asshole, right side dropped by me, front crashed by the mercs. "might as well go for a new colour while doing the repairs," i thought.
and so it went. after changing a whole lot of things (including some that i got convinced into changing), the bill came up to a whopping $945. this is more amazing considering the fact that i only paid $2000 for my bike. but oh well, i went to see its progress yesterday and was told that it was ready.
the previous day my friend saw it and said it was dark blue, thus as i turned the corner to where my bike was parked, i did so with a sense of apprehension. slowly... slowly... BAM! there it is! HAHA the colour looked great after all, exactly the same as what i chose- 'harley davidson sapphire.'
rode it and it felt foreign, like it didn't belong to me anymore. aesthetically, i'm glad i went ahead with the changes that they convinced me into doing, because i think it looks great now. after all the money spent, i gotta look after it a little bit more and hope it'll last a while longer than it had.
i've never heard of her in my life. my only impression of her comes from this video. i turned on mtv one day and this was on. instant love, i tell you.
i don't know what she looks like outside this video, but if i were in the world of this video, i'd marry her in an instant, nevermind the trippy backgrounds that i'd have to live with.
i don't know anything about her so she could be anything i want her to be. and i guess this makes her perfect.
last weekend i came across the most ridiculous thing i've seen in ages. i was in the mrt station when my attention was drawn to 2 guys in black. i took a closer look and saw they were wearing the exact same outfit. wtf?
thick-rimmed glasses, v-neck tshirt tucked into belted shorts, shoes. everything black. on closer inspection, i realised they were twins and even shared the same hairstyle. i quickly told my friend and we were both amazed by this strange sighting.
i suppose it's ok to be doing such a thing if you're twins and you have a sense of humor, but the thing about these 2 fellows was that they both had earphones plugged in and were behaving like unfriendly strangers with stern faces and everything.
WHAAAT? maybe their sense of humor is so deep that i didn't manage to comprehend it. the only thing that came to my mind was "omg this is so fucking retarded." but at least they made us laugh so i guess their special brand of humor works after all.
i bought the afi dvd i heard a voice off amazon a few weeks back and it arrived yesterday. just finished watching it and at the end, it said that the video was recorded on 15 september 2006, almost exactly 4 years to this day.
i was supposed to collect my bike today, but it's not ready yet. my friend saw it and said it's "dark blue," which left me a little worried because it's not supposed to be dark blue. let's just hope that dark is subjective.
either way i gotta live with it, and maybe find some creative ways to pimp it up a little, just so it won't be plain boring dark blue.
it was 10 when i left for the bus stop. the night was breezy, with deep purple storm clouds brewing in the distance. i walked to my bus stop, and continued walking on past it. such a good night shall not go to waste. i went on for over an hour before the breeze died down and walking wasn't conducive any longer.
i remember back when i was still staying-in during my police time, one night i was walking up to my room when it started drizzling. i just stood there in the rain and realised just how long it had been since i was free, how very long since i last had the freedom to walk home in the night rain.
so tonight i walked. for all the times i couldn't, for all the nights when the weather would kill. i thought about all the things i used to and felt a little funny at how all the grand issues of my past are nothing now. still unsure if it was my youthful ignorance blowing everything out of proportion or were they really nothing.
sometimes i feel sad that so many of my favourite bands have grown old and broken up, or have started producing music that is... off the mark. the worst part is that i find the bands of today to be rather sucky, or perhaps it's just that i can't seem to be able to connect with their music.
as such, i've been listening to more or less the same group of songs for years. once in a while some new songs will come around, but only on rare occasions do they make it into the 'core' group of favourites. usually they just hang around for a while before i get sick of them.
maybe it's not the songs themselves, but rather the feelings i attach to them that make them so great. back then everything was new and felt so amazing, like wow, i've never heard anything like that before! it was also a time with many strong feelings and emotions, so that'll inevitably get thrown into the mix too.
i listened to the tegan & sara album 'the con' and was reminded instantly of my days spent in the office and station during my police days. this album was one of the few in my thumb drive and so was on heavy rotation during the long hours at work. and i think i listened to this more than the others because it's just awesome.
there're so many experiences and memories attached to that place that i almost feel weird that i'm no longer a part of it. during my first days i was walking around like a complete noob, still amazed by the fact that wow, i'm in NS but i'm also FREE! most of the first month i spent doing patrols and sleeping like a fucker during night shift so i'll be able to go out the next day.
that was also the time when i first bought my vespa, and riding to work each morning i felt so threatened by all the trucks and crazy traffic heading to tuas. the most dangerous area was at the merge between PIE and KJE where each morning i traversed with trepidation, until of course during that fateful day where i was knocked down by an idiot lorry.
and then there are the boring days spent in office, sometimes there was really nothing for me to do, other times i just didn't feel like doing anything. days spent fooling around the office with my colleagues, or watching and imitating Man vs Wild (our favourite show ever) with my fat NS friend, to the bemusement of our clueless colleagues.
perhaps the most memorable/bastard times were when we all made fun of our boss, whom we all thought was gay but couldn't confirm because he genuinely seemed to show fondness to certain females around. although i must say, we didn't make fun of him for being gay, but rather because he was more or less a useless superior and also exhibited a whole lot of strange behaviour.
of course there were also days and weeks when i just felt so damn bored and trapped that i couldn't wait to get the hell out of there, but i suppose overall it was a good time, a fun place, and i was very lucky to have ended up there rather than at a neighbouring station where my friend had to work till 8pm almost everyday.
it was only 4 months ago but already feels so much longer than that. recently i heard from one of my friends in the station that everything was not going well amongst the office staff, with conflicts and stuff. made me feel rather sad because things used to be fine, but i guess it just shows that i was really there at the right moment, and left when the times were still good.
my mind has been feeling rather empty lately. it's strange and i can't really grasp what's going on in there. there's a lot of things floating around, but they're so wispy, so alien, like nothing i've seen before.
the stuff that occupies my headspace goes through phases. there's always a dominant thought or subject or category to all the random madness, something that i can understand and analyse with ease.
now the category is -blank- i'm always thinking and trying to figure out why there's nothing in my head. nothing? hello? i once said here that i'd rather be feeling sad than to feel nothing. through the years i've given up feeling sad.
you'd think that with age, we'd at least tend to get a little bit smarter, a little bit more tactful, but it seems that many people are still trapped in their youthful stupidity. running their mouths off without consideration or behaving like a little cunt.
i must admit, i was probably like that in my younger days. one way i've learnt to deal with this is to stop and think before i open my mouth. is what i'm saying gonna make sense? is it overly offensive? am i better off just shutting the fuck up?
stop and think, even if it is just for a second, or perhaps longer if a single second is too fast for your brains to process.
no, i'm not requesting people to try this. i'm telling all you fuckers to DO IT. it'll save you a lot of trouble that you don't even know is brewing, and it'll save the people around you from a whole lot of mental anguish.
via audio is probably one of the better bands i've come across in a long long time. music seems to float above my head these days. i just can't get into it anymore. something like this is perfect for easy listening.
and the good news is that most of their songs are nice, much unlike a lot of those one-hit-wonder indie bands that i see all around. speaking of which, how is it possible to write only ONE nice song? or maybe they used up all their creative juices on that one song.
anyway via audio is great. they may look like your standard indie hipster but at least their music doesn't sound like annoying indie hipster music that are all the rage amongst that community.
and so in the past week i've sent my bike for a re-spray ($500 ouch) and am now worried about how it'll turn out, but well, it was shitty enough before.
oh on the 8th of august, my cat-like reflexes finally failed me and i rear-ended a mercedes suv on the expressway. the driver was going in and out of his lane and finally jammed his brakes and i went right into his rear. minor damage (but minor damage on a mercs = $400 ouch) but the driver was super panicky about the whole thing.
regarding my holiday, probably going to china unless there's any better place because i'm bored to death in here.
school starts in 20 days and all that's on my mind now is what colour to paint my bike and where to go for a holiday. and also my room has been its current half-done state for too long already.
recently i've experienced from my circle of friends 2 (or more) cases of 'fast-game' relationships, where 1 (or more) party breaks up and then very very quickly get into another relationship.
is that ok? i don't know how such things work for others, so i can only relate everything back to myself and what i deem to be fine. and this... it's just weird. i definitely wouldn't get together with someone who just broke up.
and also from the point of the party who broke up, don't you need time to 'recover' and shit? take some time to get over your ex, or at least pretend that you do, out of respect for your ex.
or maybe that's what they're trying to prove, "hey you didn't mean a shit to me and i'm so much happier now fuck you."
