3 easy steps to get over loss
step 1: convince yourself that whatever you are grieving about wasn't that great in the first place. this will help lessen the emotional burden since it seems that you didn't lose a lot to begin with. if this fails then just lie to yourself.
step 2: occupy your mind 24/7 so it doesn't have time to wander about. a wandering mind may stumble across the truth that you are hiding in step 1 and this is detrimental to your recovery process. remember: DO NOT allow your mind to wander at all costs. a wandering mind is a dangerous mind. keep repeating step 1 in your head to keep the truth at bay.
step 3: after a period of 1 month to 1 year depending on the individual, a new reality should be formed. revel in your new-found freedom. if there are any doubts, repeat steps 1 and 2 for periods of 1 month at a time, extending if recovery is not achieved. full recovery is expected at a maximum time frame of 2 years.
note1: some ignorant people may claim that you are "lying to yourself." DO NOT in any case acknowledge this, although 'lying to yourself' is an essential process in step 1. if you do, this will immediately plunge you back into the darkness you were in before you started this program.
the best way to deal with such people is to
1: ignore them
2: punch them
note2: DO NOT at any time of the program seek replacements for what you have lost. you will find that replacements are inadequate and soon long for the original. this will lengthen the recovery process or result in a completely new problem that i do not have a program to deal with yet.
time to fight
throughout my life i've been rather non-confrontational in nature, kinda like a peace-loving hippie of sorts. especially when dealing with strangers, i tend to believe that their behaviour is due to their strange personalities instead of because they're just bloody cunts.
like there was once i was at borders browsing through the magazine section. i was standing there and a fatty came and squeezed past me. due to his above-average fattiness, his whole body brushed against me but instead of apologising, he went "TSK!"
i found this to be very strange, since i was the one who was supposed to be offended. at first i thought he was TSK-ing at something else, until i realised that it was directed at me. i guess if i were less of a hippie, i would have asked him politely just WHAT THE FUCK was his problem.
a few years back i was skating on a pavement, on the right side where there's no drain covers because the wheels will get caught in the drain covers and i'll fall and crack my head. anyway, i saw a man walking towards me from quite a distance, also on the non-drain side of the pavement.
he was quite far away so i just continued travelling forward, since i couldn't move to the side even if i wanted to (because i'll fall and crack my skull). even as i was getting quite close to him, he still showed no signs of giving way. i was looking down so i didn't realise how close i was until i saw his feet in front of me.
i stopped abruptly and only just avoided knocking into him. when i looked up, i was literally face to face with him. i noticed he had a fucking guai lan face and i knew he was just trying to cause trouble, but i thought since he was the pedestrian and i was on wheels, i should have given way to him. so i said "sorry," and he just stared at me.
i walked past him and immediately felt stupid and ashamed of myself for giving in to him, instead of giving him the trouble that he was asking for. such incidents have also occurred during soccer and various other situations, but i was always the one to back down and apologise although i was not at fault.
i have recently decided (for no apparent reason) that i will not give in again in the future if it's not my fault. if anyone wants trouble then i will give them trouble. i'll fight if it comes down to that. maybe i'll get beaten up, or maybe i'll beat someone up, it doesn't matter. at the very least i'll have something interesting to write about here.
aural pleasures
bands with female singers are rare, which perhaps explains their allure. i (and some others i know of) have been rather enamoured of the usually soothing vocals coming from these singers.
and of course SOME of the strong emotions they generate within us comes from them being quite pretty as well.
here are some of the bands i listen to or have heard of, listed roughly in order of prettiness:
1. no doubt
2. the cardigans
3. katie melua
4. paramore
5. metric
6. rilo kiley
7. nouvelle vague (depends on who's singing)
8. shiny toy guns
9. feist
10. blood red shoes
11. the distillers
11. the new pornographers
11. yeah yeah yeahs
11. stars
11. frou frou
there are others i may have left out or not heard of, so let me know. after all, there is no such thing as too many (pretty) girl singers. and no, S.H.E. doesn't count.
life made easy
i was on the north-east line today and i noticed they had quite interesting although unimaginative video clips about terrorism and related funstuff, like how to spot a terrorist, what to do after spotting a terrorist, what to do if the bomb blows up before help arrives, etc.
the videos show bombers as shifty men in sunglasses and cap, carrying a big bag, putting it under their seat and leaving it behind. if i were a bomber, i would thank god/allah/vishnu/appolo/whatever that they have such kind mercy to help me accomplish my task by showing me a clip of just what NOT to do. the road to martyrdom has been paved.
i suppose any potential bomber would know how to dress and how to behave after the instructional video they watched in the mrt station before boarding their train. no sunglasses, no caps, no big bags, sit still, BOMB!
mission accomplished.
talk to myself
my, she's pretty, isin't she? oh yes, she seems to get prettier each time i look at her. doesn't she remind you of the girls you used to look at? you mean the ones that appeared only attractive to me and no one else? pretty and a little bit weird, just the way i like it. yes it's been a long time since i last seen one, almost forgotten what it feels like.
ooh look at her. yea i wish i could. there's an idiot standing in my way. you can still see her. only her lips, her hair is covering everything else. the lipstick's a weird shade of orangey-red but it goes so well with her pale, pale skin, all the more striking in contrast to her black dress. it couldn't be more perfect.
there's something wrong with you, innit? if i didn't know you i'd think you were a psychopath! ah fuck you. there's nothing sick about it, just pure admiration of beauty. it's sort of like looking at a nice car or bike, or watching the sun set. our eyes are naturally drawn to pretty things, and she's pretty.
you say she's pretty just like you said about the other girls, so why is it that everyone else disagrees? there must be something wrong with you. fuck, it's not my fault that they don't agree and it's not my problem too. it's just that i prefer beauty that is... less obvious and more understated, the kind where i have to take a few more glances before i get it, but once i do, it just gets better.
i think i'm starting to understand. now you get me? conventional beauty is just boring to me. there's no depth, everything is revealed after one look or two and after that there's nothing left. beauty needs to have many layers. they don't have to be all good, but are perfect when put together. that's what gives them longevity. i can continue admiring, and each time i discover something new.
alright, i know what you mean. shit she's getting off and i haven't had the chance to take a good long look. oh don't worry, just remember her as the girl with pretty lips. yeah, make do with what i have. beautiful memories.
rain rain
i was only an hour and a half into my sleep when i was awoken by sounds of a fierce thunderstorm. it was 6:30 in the morning, wind was howling through the windows and rain lashing down hard.
i didn't go back to sleep immediately because i was amazed by the ferocity of the storm. it's been a long long time since i've seen one so terrible and i considered going down for a walk in the rain but felt it was too troublesome, so i just sat by the window and watched the rain until it quietened down half an hour later.
i couldn't go back to sleep so i've been awake since then. shit.
anyway here's another story about rain, but this time it's about my cat whose name is RAIN, in case you don't already know.
the whole of last night he was staring at invisible things around my room and i could see his eyes following whatever he was looking at around. sometimes he went stalking it around the place and try to jump up at it but there's nothing there.
he started at around 8pm and at first it was still kind of funny in a sick way. my sister was talking to it (the cat, not the thing) "ay rain, what you catching? nothing there lah. you see ghost ah? siao!" he wasn't just jumping around randomly like a crazy animal, but was stalking it like when he normally stalks other prey like insects and lizards BUT THERE'S REALLY NOTHING THERE.
but he went on the whole night, and it wasn't really that funny anymore when i was watching soccer at 4am and he was still going at it. he finally gave up/ got tired/ the thing went away at 5am and went to sleep in his basket.
2005-2008
yesterday my brother started school at RP after 2 weeks of holidays. i was feeling quite jealous that he still has 3 more years to enjoy in poly while i'm going to eat shit soon. some people may disagree, but studying in a polytechnic is really pure relaxation x20000, or at least it was for me.
in my course (business studies, ngee ann polytechnic), there was only 24 hours of classes each week, so on most days there were only 4 hours of class. in that 24 hours, half are tutorials and the other half lectures, so if you're a lazy bum, each week only consists of 12 hours of lesson time.
in comparism, my secondary school was 7:30-2pm, 6.5 hours a day, 32.5 hours a week excluding extra activities and remedials for stupid kids.
on a normal school day i would go to school at either 9 or 11 for 2 hours of tutorial, then go for lunch and sit around with my friends looking at girls for 2 hours, and depending on my mood, go for lectures if there were any (i usually didn't) or otherwise i get out of school.
the only times a student may experience stress are during projects, common tests, and exams (listed in ascending stess-levels). there is homework and we are supposed to do it, but that's just one of the many things that we're supposed to do but we don't.
for most part, the teachers (tutors/lecturers/whatever) do not scold their students, unless they're really dumb and push them past their limit. however there are also known cases of crazy teachers who shout and scream and chase students out of class, so just be careful when dealing with them.
projects bring unnatural levels of stress to certain students, but i have not been unduly stressed because the work is not extremely difficult or impossible to achieve. or maybe cos i'm pro.
so you see, poly life is great. the only downside i can think of is that assuming that you see a very very pretty girl in school one one day and fall in love with her, there is a very very good chance that you may never see her again due to the irregular timetables and large population. this may cause you to be depressed and suicidal.
it's not as easy as in secondary school or jc, where students know which classes their 'eye candies' are from and where to find them. in poly you see a pretty girl and no one knows who the fuck she is and where to find her. maybe if you're lucky you would manage to find her friendster account after hours of seaching.
perhaps that's why students in poly tend to hang around the same areas during their free time instead of roaming around. they hope that IF someone takes a fancy to them, the person would know where to look next time.
oh, another unintended consequence of the short school time is that life seems to pass VERY fast and very soon, 3 years are gone, just like mine are.
what's wrong with me
yesterday i was buying fishball noodles because i'm getting old and am unable to eat hard food.
while i was waiting in line, i was practicing saying 'yu yuan mian' [鱼圆面] in my mind, and even then, found it to be very difficult. it always sounded like 'yee yian mian.'
i thought i was done practicing and was confident of getting it right. when my turn came,. i blurted out something that was so garbled that i don't even remember what it sounded like, but it was definitely nothing close to being chinese.
the guy gave me a "??? wtf" look and i had to compose myself before trying again, and i only managed to say 'yee yian mian.'
bus-ride-adventures
there's a cunt sitting beside me on the bus now. he's wearing multi-coloured tight pants that are purple on the front of his left leg, black behind, and black on the front of his right leg, purple behind.
and if that's not enough to qualify him as a cunt, he's also wearing shiny silver pointy shoes. what a beautiful combination!
you know, people in pointy shoes already look cunty enough, but this guy is one step ahead. and the pants, my god.
besides, he also smells like instant noodles, as though he spilled a pot on himself before leaving the house. the perfect finishing touch to his outfit, i think.
now i'm only worried that others might think i'm somehow related to this cunt so i'm trying very hard to appear otherwise, such as by staring out the window and typing on my phone and whatever else it takes.
written 15th june, 6:09pm
open please
i went to the dentist just now for the second appointment to fix my teeth, and just like the last time, i ended up quite irritated.
the fucking idiot woman likes to pull and stretch my lips like it's some fucking rubber band in a bloody free-for-all stretching exercise. it's not so bad when she pulls one side, but then she tries to pull the other side without releasing the first. i think she'd be happy when she finally manages to stick her whole hand in my mouth.
i was seriously worried that she'll tear my lip or craft me a pretty chelsea smile to match my teeth. besides that, she used a whole lot of pressure with the tools in my mouth and any moment it might slip (a few times, in fact) and stab me or rip my mouth open.
so to prevent her from stretching my lips any further once the maximum limit was reached, i would bite her fingers so she couldn't pull. sadly she doesn't seem to get the message, so sooner or later you'll see me with a disfigured face or with lips so wide that i can fit my foot in it.
oh, a contest!
10 bucks to the first person who knows where this picture was taken.
i'm gonna have a malay wedding
i went to my cousin's wedding on saturday and oh my it was such a boring affair (sorry). everyone mainly just sat and waited, providing polite applause while they did their thing and then waited while food was served and waited again for 10 minutes between each course.
even the yam seng, or toast to the couple was dreadfully hushed, with only their friends on stage being anywhere near enthusiastic about it.
the next day, there was a malay wedding under my block. from what i could hear from them, it seemed to be a whole lot more fun, with singing and laughter and everything else.
i think it's because chinese weddings focus more on the couple, with a "ME! ME!" attitude while malay weddings focus more on the family and guests (i believe).
another thing about weddings i've noticed is that the brides rarely look nice in their strange, unflattering dresses and make-up. they just look weird like they belong someplace else.
when i get married i hope my wife would be wearing a simple and elegant dress with minimal make-up, and still look pretty as hell. i wouldn't want to marry a stranger in a big dress and powdered face.
14
i passed, how very exciting. a whole lot more exciting than my driving test, mainly because it is so terribly easy to fail. there are more variable factors in riding so doing the same action can lead to different results, unlike in driving where it's always the same.
my mother said "very good, don't go riding on road."
i didn't reply.
my father was right
i took my final bike lesson on 7th may so nearly a month had passed when i returned 2 days ago to do some practice before my test.
when i got there, i found out that they had recently changed all their bikes. bigger, heavier and also more powerful, but the main concern was that it felt very different from the old ones and i had only 4 days to get used to it.
the new bikes are also mightily shitty with terrible batteries that die and leave the electric start useless, and gears that like to go to neutral easily. they are so shitty that i saw 5 people falling yesterday which is really a record for me.
this morning my father asked me where i was going, and was shocked when i told him i was going for lessons. my mother didn't tell him, it seems. anyway he was saying something about 'dangerous' and i was thinking to myself how i haven't had a fall yet.
it started raining like mad once i got there and i was cursing to myself as i put on the raincoat and went into the rain. before long, my shoes and gloves were soaked, and water was seeping through the raincoat onto my shirt.
there were only 3 of us and i was last, with an instructor behind me and another one leading in front. i was happily going along at about 60kmph when we got to a traffic junction, and the lights changed just as i got to it. despite being only about 15-20 metres away from the line, i decided that it would be a good idea for me to stop.
well, this story wouldn't be worth telling if nothing happened at this point, so something DID happen, just so you know.
the driving handbook says that the stopping distance at 60kmph is 44 metres and "will increase if the road is wet," which i didn't really think about when i started braking. as i saw the stopping line come closer and closer, the bike was still not anywhere close to stopping, so i pulled harder on the brakes.
this is where the fun starts.
the front wheel lost traction and started to skid and turn to the right, and soon the bike was on the ground and i was thrown in front of it. i got up and laughed to myself at my misfortune, surprised that i was relatively unharmed, except for some scratches on my hip. the wet road had caused me to fall, but also saved me from harm because i was sliding across the surface rather than grinding my skin off on it.
the instructor behind had stopped and was picking up my bike, which is very heartening because he cares more about the bike than my body. the bike was fine except for a bent mirror and soon we were off to encounter more excitement on the roads.
at the end of the day, everything is fine, which is rather fortunate because i know a similar fall in different circumstances could well end up with me being quite dead.
strike this
i saw on the news a while ago that people in various cities are protesting against fuel increases.
in manchester, 500 motorbikes and trucks went on the expressway and travelled at a low speed.
in madrid, taxi drivers gathered and drove at 10kmph into the city centre.
in paris, truck drivers gathered on the expressway leading into paris and blocked the roads.
in india, bus drivers and other people burned shit and chanted shit and went on strike. and shit.
in singapore, everyone sits on their asses and complains.
i guess in a way it is good that singaporeans are such useless people, since it definitely wouldn't be fun if they went on strike every other day over any small incident. after all, we know how singaporeans are like when it comes to complaining, except this time they go on strike instead.
on the other hand, it is quite enviable that people everywhere else are able to fight towards their goals, and actually be pro-active in achieving what they want. in singapore the police would just round up everyone and haul their asses to jail and make them wish they were sitting at home complaining rather than sitting in jail. after that they'll raise fuel prices again for the costs of the police cars' petrol.
hope my bunkmates don't read this
as we all know, tekong is filled with ghosts and spirits of all sorts and forms. there are white shadows, black shadows, little boys, little girls, old men, old women, pontianaks, phantom soldiers, only god knows what else.
i was joking with my cousin about it. he said he was worried he wouldn't be able to sleep on the first night because his current sleeping time is around 10 in the morning. we said he could make a checklist of all the ghosts because he's gonna be seeing all of them on his first night, and then tick them off one by one.
first the little girl comes in with her grandmother. "hey that one's not sleeping!"
after a while they leave the room. "crap, he's not scared, NEXT!" and the pontianak enters to try her luck. on and on until daybreak, he'd probably meet all of them.
so anyway i was telling my mother about all the ghosts and other fun stuff, and she got slightly worried. she suggested i become a christian and go to church so that god will protect me. then she told my father to bring back some protection from china to help defend against the myriad of friends that i may encounter.
today my father came back, and he bought me a fat jade and gold buddha pendent. and it costs 3080rmb, which based on the latest exchange rate, is equivalent to 607.684sgd. fuck he's mad. i could think of a whole lot of better things to do with that money (like buying cds, he he).
when my mother said 'protection', the picture in my head was something more like a paper talisman and less like a 607 dollar buddha.
now imagine if it doesn't work...
sister's next
my dearest maid went home for holiday last last friday before she goes to madrid or wherever cool place. early last week i decided to be good and vacuum the house. then midway through i decided that it was too much trouble because the damn wire kept getting in the way and the hose kept getting twisted for reasons unknown.
so i decided that i shall never vacuum again. thus, my house has been in a sad state of un-vacuumed-ness and no one else has found enough goodness in their hearts to take the initiative to pick up the vacuum again. my feet get grey after walking around the house. soon it'll be BLACK.
so once again i took it upon myself and... got my brother to do it. he's vacuuming the house now. hope he does a good job, then i can get him to do it more often since he's so good at it. can't possibly let his talent go to waste.
hail the forefathers
days in recent times have been spent on tudou.com because it is absolutely awesome. being based in china (i think), it is exempted from all manner of copyright laws that other sites are bound by. or they just don't give a fuck. this means that there are many many movies, tv serials and other assorted videos that cannot be streamed elsewhere.
i love china for this. 100% love. anyway i've finished watching dirty sexy money and i was left hanging by the season's abrupt ending after only 10 episodes due to the damn writers' strike. i'm going to start on pushing daisies tomorrow but i think my enjoyment is going to be short(er)-lived since there's only 9 episodes, again due to the damn writers' strike.
and lastly my bike test is on next monday so after i pass i would have accomplished (almost) everything i planned to do and can fuck myself off to wherever without much worry or regret.
escape artists never die
now that i'm almost consigned to my fate of going to army and enjoying/suffering for the next 2 years or so, life has yet again decided to throw me another SURPRISE. a funny leg injury means that i can't run and jump and kick, and i don't know how long before i can.
so now there's a very real possibility that i'll be doing 2 years worth of relaxing office work. that's supposed to be good, right? not really, let me explain.
it is said that when you go to ns, you're forced to grow up. i guess that's true, since even your own house will start to feel foreign. but with nothing holding you down, you will be free to be your own man and that's called growing up.
with this office work, i'm basically living the same life i have been living since i was born, except for slightly longer working hours. nothing's gonna change and i'm afraid that i'll be stuck in some sort of suspended childhood then i'll be forever young. that's supposed to be good too, right? not so good when i'm 30 and still think the same way i do now.
anyway i think the time spent away from life would do me a world of good. i think while some people go to ns and pretend to be injured, i have to pretend that i'm not injured.
