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there has been times where people say that i have a fear of commitment when it comes to relationships. i wrote this on my phone around 6 months ago and forgot all about it. this is to all the girls that have had the (mis)fortune of getting their love lines intertwined with mine.

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i wish i could say i love you, that would make everything so much simpler. it's such an easy word to produce, yet encompasses so much in its 4 letters.

but what i feel is not love, it is the ugly and mutilated, unspeakable and unwanted bastard child of love, lust, friendship, companionship, unbridled emotion, self-control, pride and shame and fear and hope and longing.

what do you call that? i wish i could have a simple and sexy 4 letter word to express all these feelings into something palatable and understandable, and not just that.

i wish i could have something that i can say to you and get a reply in equal terms, so that at the very least we know that this is x and i x you too.

stranded

it was only at the end of the year when i was doing my yearly reflections that i finally saw what a shitty year 2015 was. there was so much nonsense that i had to do a double-take because how could all that fit into a single year?

but unfortunately yes, it all happened. i really didn't want it to be a bad year, the first in a long time. i tried to think of the good stuff. the big moments, the quiet little moments... it seemed that everything i came up with had an asterisk attached. 

all these incidents aside, i think the worst thing about the year was that i never felt at ease with myself or my surroundings. something was always teetering on the edge ready to topple, and even the best laid plans found a way to disappear down the drain.

eventually i gave up and accepted that some years are just more fucked up than others, no matter how i tried to twist it or will it to be otherwise. i suppose the saving grace was that for all the shit and misfortune, no major catastrophe befell myself or my family and i emerge relatively unscathed. 

as i say at the end of every year, "this year will be better than the last." this time i really need it to be so.