yes we are

i was looking through my archives and i came across this again. i did another search and this time i found its source.

the confessions of max tivoli.

i have never read it so i dunno how that little passage came to me, but it looks like a good book. the story seems inspired by benjamin button, but remember this was written in 2004, back when benjamin button was just a little-known short story.

here's the first paragraph of the book:

"we are each the love of someone's life.

i wanted to put that down in case i am discovered and unable to complete these pages, in case you become so disturbed by the facts of my confession that you throw it into the fire before i get to tell you of great love and murder. i would not blame you. so many things stand in the way of anyone ever hearing my story. there is a dead body to explain. a woman three times loved. a friend betrayed. and a boy long sought for. so i will get to the end first and tell you we are each the love of someone's life."

18 months

what did one and a half years of 'doing nothing' do to me? it changed me in ways that i never imagined.

1. it cleared up my mind a lot, all the crazy thoughts that used to plaque my head are gone.

for example, being confused by time. i don't know what happened but it just doesn't bother me anymore.

maybe in normal life there is too much external stimulus and it takes away your ability to deal with your own shit. having the luxury of time allowed these shit to work their way out of my system.

2. it changed my mindset regarding work, and i can now say that i am really ready to start.

seeing all (literally all) my friends fuck off to work has slowly made me feel that maybe it's not so bad.

ok who am i kidding? IT IS SOFA KING BAD, but silly as it may sound, i have reconciled the fact that i would not be able to find the one perfect job, just has to be good enough that i do not dread waking up for work every morning.

3. it made me realise that a year is both shorter and longer than i thought.

not having any schedule made the clock and calendar almost redundant in my life, and it was so easy to put things off. why do it now when i can do it later, tomorrow, or next month? a day meant nothing to me, a week passed so quickly, and then OMG IT'S CHRISTMAS ALREADY?

but a few days ago i was looking for movies to watch, and i came across gangster squad, released in january 2013. wait, what? i felt like i watched that ages ago. i realised that this year was much longer than i thought it was, and way more things happened than i gave it credit for.

4. it allowed me to see that it is not easy to go against the flow.

it became apparent that some people were not taking me seriously, just because i did not conform to the norm of society. this part really surprised me, as even some friends viewed me differently when i thought that they ought to know me and what i am capable of.

all of a sudden i was now a good-for-nothing useless bum, and this impression projected itself onto my words and actions. it was quite a disappointing experience.

you won't know

when would be a good time to pen down your life events?

immediately after they happen, when memories are still fresh, wounds still bleeding, smiles still etched on your face?

would it be better after a few years, when you have the benefit of the objectivity that time and experience provide?

or is it best done in your later years, writing the story of your life and knowing the roles these events played in it?

i ask this because recently i was 'inspired' to put some of my own life events into writing, more for my own record-keeping purposes than anything else, really, as i do notice that i am forgetting bits and pieces at some regularity and i wonder when will the true happening of these events be completely warped in my memories.

aside from the timing issue, i faced another obstruction: the idea of my stories and feelings having a physical (or digital) form made me uncomfortable.

firstly because i don't want there to be any chance for them to be seen, and secondly because it feels like if i wrote them down, these stories would be set in stone. it may or may not be the most accurate recollection, but THIS will forever be the way it happened.

xoxo

it seems that everyone around my age and who are in a relationship are already looking to settle down, which leaves me a little awestruck by their optimism and forward-planning-ability.

i have a cousin who is the same age as me, and he's holding his wedding dinner next month. when we first heard the news earlier this year, my brother commented that this cousin has "given up on life."

whether it is true or not, married life does carry a bad rep, with the common belief that life goes downhill from there. therefore to succumb to marriage is like proclaiming to the world, hey, this is the best i've got, i'm not going to get anything better.

anyway lately i've found myself observing married couples and those with young children, watching their family dynamics, but i guess what i really want to find out is if they're happy. i want to know if this marriage and children thing is really worth it or is it just something people do because it's normal.

i'm still learning.