and so just like that, we're entering the final month of the year again. above all else, i've found this year to be so long and meandering that i've lost sight of myself more than a few times.
sometimes i'm just chilling out minding my own business when i suddenly realise, hey where did I go? who is this guy in my head? true story.
i could place it on me finally being free from ns, but i think it's really not that simple.
now that i think of it, i might know why. i've been seeing myself, or at least the person in my head, to be more or less the finished product. everything is set in stone, i know who i am, what i can or cannot do.
i think i know myself so well, and perhaps that's why i get so surprised/pissed when i react in a different way from what i'm supposed to when certain things come up. who was that?
it could be time to finally accept/realise that this me is not the final version. it's just another work in progress, a variable.
but if i am a variable, if i can change like the wind and if i am beyond even my own control, then who am I?
when i listen to ladytron i sometimes get drawn back to the days when i was still stuck in camp, specifically the long afternoon breaks where i had nothing to do so i'd listen to ladytron on purevolume. in fact, that website was where i first discovered ladytron.
now when i think back, it almost feels like a strange time, like it didn't really happen. i don't know why and i don't really know how to explain this. ladytron makes me feel strange, because it feels like i first heard the songs in a time that doesn't really exist. have i heard this song before?
i think if ns taught me one thing, it'll be that everything will be over. before i enlisted, i thought oh fuck, how am i gonna survive 2 long years? when i first enlisted, i thought oh fuckkk how am i gonna survive 15 days confinement? if 15 days feels so long, what's 2 years gonna be like?
then i got transferred over and i thought 8 MONTHS? FUCK ME! but day by day it all went by, and in between there was even time for a little issue about being apart for 4 months, but that too came to pass. day by day, everything will be over.
it's now well over a week and the new maid is still not here. i don't think she's even in the country at the moment. something's wrong with the agent and he tried to lie about stuff to my mother.
so the thing is, due to the expected imminent arrival of the new maid, we stopped the part-time cleaner's services and also kinda stopped cleaning the house ourselves. just leave it for a few more days and let her do, right? right, only if she actually appeared.
when faced with a small mountain of mess, our natural instincts kicked in and... we slid deeper into shitsville. my mother started going a bit wonky and blamed the cat for the mess. the cat.
actually the poor cat is my mother's favourite scapegoat whenever things pop up. the floor is dirty! blame the cat! the kitchen is dirty! blame the cat's litter bin! so many ants! blame the cat food!
today she was at it again. "the stupid cat's legs so dirty walk all over the house and dirty my floor! i want to throw it away!"
my sister and i looked at each other and silently LOL-ed a little before i asked her, "so the cat is bigfoot? can walk until the whole house dirty?"
i believe that given the right circumstances, we could very possibly be attracted to, and develop feelings for anyone. human attraction has always been a very abstract and volatile thing, that's why we see people going for kids, animals, their own family members, inanimate objects and such.
the thing is that historically, all these have been governed by society, be it through laws, religion, or your mother spanking your ass. however, societal norms are so lax these days that it's come to a stage where almost everything is free-for-all, and soon we too start taking to the new parameters. now that we're entering the free-for-all era, there's much lesser control, so what's gonna stop you from forging and intimate relationship with your pet dog?
that's why i think now more than ever, the impetus of control should come from the individual. set your limits and stick to them. too young? too inhuman? strike he/she/it off your list of potential partners. start now before it's too late.
before my maid left, my family very confidently agreed that we don't need another one. we're all so grown-up now, we should be able to take care of the house without much difficulty, we thought. we also had a part-time cleaner come by once a week to do the more tiresome chores.
and so we soldiered on, taking turns to do the dishes and clean the house. everything went swimmingly well for the first week or so, with each one of us doing our part (and my mother doing the biggest part), before we started getting lazy.
it was then did we realise that when we're lazy, the dishes aren't gonna do themselves, the floor is not gonna mop itself, the washing machine ain't gonna magically turn on and the bamboo poles aren't gonna float outta the window.
with each of us 3 siblings married to our computers, and my mother out at work all day, the house was starting to go to the dumps. one too many cat-vomiting incidents later, we finally gave in and our new maid is expected to arrive tomorrow.
we lasted less than a month. and i hope this one is gonna be more normal.
last night i was looking through my phone and i found this saved in my draft messages: "i think we're not drinking enough." i had typed it to communicate with my friend while in a noisy club.
i haven't been at the peak of my drinking abilities since 2007 perhaps, back when drinking was a weekly affair, that's why i sometimes get a little surprised at my inability to get drunk these days, like hey, i'm not supposed to be fine now.
maybe it's because i've grown a little smarter and unknowingly drink within my own limits, maybe i've underestimated my own abilities and stop when i think i've reached it, or maybe, most probably, we just aren't drinking enough.
one thing that's not changed is that i'm still not a fan of partying. i'd much rather just drink and be silly in private, cos even if everything goes to shit, at least the damage is within control.
i've been repeating this video for the past week or so, despite my inner conflict spawning from my love for taylor swift. but it's just that damn good, especially this live version.
"no trouble, puuurposely go and fiiind the trouble! where's the trouble?! where's the trouble?!"
i think it's always better to try and fail (and pay for your failure) than not try and forever live with the lingering question mark in your head. what if?
they say we may regret what we've done, but the greatest regrets are the things which we didn't do. i think at the end of the day we're all just suckers for disaster.
the pain is there, plain for all to see, but we just won't stop until we get to taste it. and then we think "ouch, fuck, that wasn't worth it."
and then we move on and start searching for the next big thing. and we all know how that one's gonna end up.
when i open the fridge these days, all i see is chocolate. lots kit-kat, kinder bueno, and in the cupboard there's chocolate chip cookies, pocky, potato chips. those are like the only thing my sister buys when she goes to the supermarket with my mother.
of course, i can imagine some of you are already salivating after reading this and are harbouring thoughts of ravaging my kitchen, but you have to put your needs aside for a moment. i think 80% of the shit would be eaten by my sister, which gives her a very high possibility of growing FAT at some point of time.
i've seen her sitting at the computer with a box of chocolate and polish everything off. it seems like she's got no control, or she thinks she doesn't need to control herself because she's naturally slim. but one fine day it's gonna end up in tears.
i've already told her that ALL fat people have to start from somewhere, and what she's doing now is just heading down the path. i told my mother about this a long time ago but i don't know what's up with her. maybe i should just invite all you hungry fuckers to my place to finish up the chocs and save her for now.
