i was the one worth leaving

there has been several nights and several lessons missed since my last post, but tonight's lesson is that no matter how awkward, i may need to be clear with the girls in my life. 

i was never the best (i'm shit) at communication, but have also always written off such difficult conversations under the cover of 'we both should know.' i should well know that emotions and logic are at opposing ends of the spectrum.

as time goes on, i've began to understand the two-way discourse and appreciate how i have neglected this in the past, out of my desire to avoid any awkward or inconvenient scenarios.

last friday i had a very uncomfortable but necessary conversation on such an issue. it was not the best thing but i went through with it and i feel everyone is better-off with this resolved.

the beers

i've always enjoyed drinking ever since the first time i got drunk at 17 (yes late bloomer, this trend will carry on later in my life as you will see).

it was only in late 2015 that i truly (truly) began to enjoy drinking, and since then i haven't stopped. drinking has really changed my life - the things i've learnt in those countless drunken nights have opened my eyes to this world and i would think i am a completely different person from before. i've learnt so much about myself and the world around me as compared to the rest of the years i've been alive.

through the drunken nights i've learnt to break free of my introverted shell. i've finally understood what love is. i now know what makes me tick and have let go of my youthful ideals.

one side effect of all the drinking though is that i have a very bad memory now. i can't remember a damn thing and i think it extends into my past memories too, although you can't remember what you've forgotten so i'm not sure how much is lost.

as it goes, i really do appreciate the beauty of forgetting. everything is transient and it is literally how the universe operates. but it is only through humans' self-proclaimed importance that we try so hard to cling on to what is ethereal. and in forgetting, i've (possibly involuntarily) let go of things that have plagued me for years.

but all that aside, tonight, after a few too many drinks as is usual, and after being inspired by my one mysterious reader "penny," i've decided to start a new series here: lessons from the beers. each night after drinks i will write down the things i've learnt from that night of beers and post everything here.

this will be a chronicle of my drunken nights and what i've gained from these nights other than liver damage, a horrible memory and a reduced life expectancy.

should be fun.

the unbearable...

in the last few years i've learnt to appreciate - or accept - the transcience of my life, and as i see more, what i once saw in black or white, i now see in grey. everything is in grey.

i've never found it easy (or even possible at all) to describe this mindset to anyone else. it almost feels shameful - behold this man without faith, this man with no god in his heart, this man who lives only for himself. everything is in grey.

"there is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison." we all go through our days with this idea of immortality in our heads, be it in this life or the next.

i've gone through this many times before, through multiple rounds of drinks or even none at all, but even through misfortune or misintepration or otherwise, i have never had another who've said to me, "i get it."

"i get it," that our sufferring is an innate feature of our being, that this was all written in our genes centuries before.

"i get it," that although there's nowhere else to hide, we accept that everything is grey.