disclaimer: all of the events below DID NOT happen and are completely fictional. i drew all the pictures.
it was the last night of our trip so we went to the pho? shop opposite our hotel and bought all the heineken they had (they only had 23 cans i think) and some assorted local beers, and then another carton of tiger. beer is so cheap there that when you turn on the showers, water doesn't come out... it's BEER.
after which many friends decided to join in the fun. just look at all the orbs... they appeared in most of the photos taken in the hotel. maybe they're casualties of the war.
some time after this, things started to go crazy in my room. i dropped a biscuit on the floor accidently but instead of picking it up, i started stepping on it. then i threw more biscuits and assorted food items on the floor and around the room, and stepped on them all until the whole floor was oily and crumb-filled. i suppose i thought it was fun back then.
and then everyone went to sleep except me. i know because i took this picture. i then proceeded to sweep up the big mess i made with my hands and feet, and clear all the beer cans to avoid detection. i even disposed of them on different floors so that it wouldn't be so obvious. then it was time to send some drunks back to their rooms because we had to leave for the airport in the morning.
and all this time i was very very drunk too, since i finished up all the remaining beer in the cans before disposal, and there was really a whole lot left over.
so so after everything was done, i was dead tired but we had to leave soon so i went to bathe, and then fell asleep while sitting in the shower. after that i woke up and went to shit, fell asleep on the toilet bowl and fell off i think, can't remember but sydney said he heard me fall.
at the airport i had a killer hangover, puked out some black (WTF?) stuff and slept all through the plane ride home...
well well my maid is set to leave in august. she found a new job in FUCKING MADRID that pays a whole lot more than what she gets now. she's gonna be working for a single father with a 2-year-old son i believe.
but! WOW! MADRID! that's definitely gonna be a hell lot nicer than here, if you don't consider the language barrier etc.
however her departure would cause several unprecedented problems, such as
1. new maid or no maid? what if the new maid sucks? she wasn't overly good but at least she did her job (more or less), and it'll be good if the new one can do the same. if we decide not to hire, my sister will be left alone at home in the afternoons, since i'll be off to holiday resort while my brother's at school. this is more of a problem considering my sister has a new BF, so we'll have to consider certain pregnancy issues.
2. i was thinking if i should invite her to my wedding in the future IF i manage to get married. seriously cos after all she's been here for bloody 18 years. maybe invite her to my funeral too.
3. my sister is gonna be quite sad i believe, since she's the closest to my maid and they have been sleeping together since forever. this leads to my next point: how can she bear to leave my sister behind? i guess that $$$ is more lovely than my sister... which is quite true actually.
fortunately i'll probably be away when she leaves so i won't have to face the dilemma of whether i should pretend to be sad or just behave normally and appear to be a bastard who doesn't give a damn about the woman who has been taking care of me (sort of) since i was 2.
there's something very creepy and wonderful in listening to music by dead musicians. elliott smith, joy division, the beatles, they were all great and dead but everytime someone listens to their songs, they are alive again. their memory will live on for a long long time to come.
if i were dead, there'll be nothing to remember me by, nothing to keep me alive. that's quite sad, don't you think?
"bah, now everyone is like 'whooo my new school is great blah blah.' i think it's a whole bunch of shit. how come they didn't say school was great back when they were in secondary school? not many realise that it's just fucking orientation they're going through. if i were to go to 'school' and play games with hot chicks everyday then obviously school's great. when the lessons start then they'll start to cry." "the reason i hate stupid people is that they are given a brain but choose not to use it. basically, stupidity is optional, which means that you have a choice to be or not to be. you see a piece of dog shit on the ground, and you think, "hmmm, dog shit. i can either eat it or continue on my way." smart people will ignore it, stupid people may step on it, just for kicks. however, if your choice would be to pop it in your mouth, then you're retarded, and thereby escused."
"i say, full figure my ass. they're just fat. and because of that, they get jealous of thin people because they have nicer bodies. normal people are not fat. fat people are fat. ever wondered why there are no obese animals in the wild? because animals aren't supposed to be fat. fat people are fat because they are fucking greedy and eat as much crap as they can, since they think "whoo, i'm gonna die anyway, might as well eat as much as i can now." "
"i once read that people love babies because they are unable to tell these people that the feeling is not mutual. and they imagine that the babies like them just as much. it's all one-sided love. like imgining the comatose woman loves you just because you like her, and she's unable to tell you to stop fondling her breasts.
i see babies as breathing and screaming dolls. they have no mental capabilities, except to cry when hungry. they can't tell you to fuck off when you poke their red little faces. or tell you that you have bad body odour when you pick them up. and because of this, people love them."
"she bought a weird mp3 player for herself as well. some brand that i've never heard of, and that thing has a radio, 256mb memory, and bluetooth, so she would be able to answer her calls with it, IF only she has a better phone. and the thing is a monster. it's so big that i thought it could be used as a club when you get attacked in the lift or something."
"i think it's a bad ending. being dead and not knowing it. like watching a play and suddenly all the actors stop acting. you wonder if the play is over or if that's just part of the show. but you never know."
"shellfish eats shit at the bottom of the sea. and people eat them. i used to eat shellfish too. sometimes when i rip open one, it smells of diarrhoea. think some fishermen had a stomach upset and shat in the sea. if you squeeze the back part of a shellfish, shit will come out. actually i'm not sure if it's the shellfish shit or shit the shellfish ate. maybe it's shit the shellfish ate converted into shellfish shit. hmm..."
"everyone wants to be unique now. in the future, everyone would be so fucking unique that a normal person would look unique instead because he's the only one who doesn't dress and act like a fucktard."
"it seemed like not too long ago that i was doing research on pope john paul 2 for my computer lesson website, wondering who the fuck was the 'po-pi'. that was 4 years ago. now he's dead. i do hope that god, in his sense of the word exists. it would be very tragic for someone who devoted his entire life working for god to die and realise that it's zeus, and not jesus."
"got the motorcycle diaries from bin. he said i'm not going to enjoy it after i told him i was not interested in watching a show about a retard in forrest gump. and i would have to agree although i haven't watched it yet. i do think it is quite offensive for actors to act as retards or other assorted handicapped people. no one wants to be retarded, and yet they act as retards. they should cast retards in roles of retards."
"so before this time, i am quiet. and this is the time when people think i'm a nice guy. once i start to be un-quiet, people generally call me either one of the following - fucker, asshole, bastard, or some kind of combination of the above mentioned words of affection."
5. meditated under my christmas tree "stupidity pisses me off, no doubt. but i shall not be pissed off by stupid behaviour from now on. stupid people are already leading sad lives, and i should do all i can to make them feel happy rather than discriminate against them. even though they choose not to use their brains, they are still humans after all. i've successfully reached nirvana after meditating under my christmas tree for 2 months. i'm no longer bothered by trivial matters of the mortal world. bah, i'm stupid, please don't hate me."
4. set a girl on fire "i also saw a girl who wore a translucent (or was it really transparent?) top with a tube inside. to my horror, she was ugly. ugly and slutty don't mix well with me, so i set fire to her shirt. her boyfriend had a problem with me so i burned him too. "
3. drank bleach "it's valentine's day and my girlfriend's out with another guy. all those sleeping pills are starting to feel weird in my stomach. time to wash them down with some bleach..."
2. killed a kitten "my current obsession – i saw a cute cute x20,000 girl in school today. she was so cute that i killed a kitten that i was stroking because it couldn’t match her cuteness. the girl was wearing braces, which immediately adds 20 points to her cuteness level. this means that she scored 120 out of 100, which made me fall in love with her for a little while."
1. deep-throated a banana "i was so bored that i tried to deep-throat a banana and got caught by my maid while doing it. she told me that i should relax my throat muscles for it to work. i did that and still only half the banana went in (it's a big banana). guess my dick sucking skillz aren't exactly good."
if you've read my last post and thought you stood a chance, well sad to say ladies, but i've got a hot date with SAFY on 10th july. i'm very sorry to have given all of you false hopes and then dashed your dreams so cruelly but SAFY is just simply too hot to resist... mmm...
do you remember when i said i was prepared to go to NS only in september? well i guess my wish came true because i haven't gotten my letter while almost everyone else has, and they're enlisting in july.
however if you realised, i wrote that 'almost everyone else' is enlisting in july, which means that i am eternally fucked and stuck alone in this place while they go off to holiday camp on paradise island.
who's not enlisting yet? we should become best friends and our love will tide us through the days. actually the only people not enlisting are females, which means i should start establishing (friendly) relationships with them and our love will... =)
this has got to be the gayest shit ever. emocapella? wtf? i mean if you want to do some gay shit, at least do it well. this is just... pushing the boundaries of gayness. makes me sad.
this, on the other hand, is an example of doing gay shit really well. Butters - What What (In The Butt)
a long long time ago i was on a random 175 bus ride to nowhere. mid-way through the journey a group of office workers came on board. there were 2 girls and 3 guys i think, and one of the guys was talking to the prettier girl.
he was more or less like any one of those shitty office workers you see around. 30s, super-gelled hair, ugly shoes, basically nothing very inspiring at all. probably a very boring person.
as for the girl (or woman), there's nothing much i can say or remember about her, just that she was quite young and prettier than the other woman. high chance that she was the prettiest girl in their office and sought after by all.
so as the story goes, the guy was trying quite hard to get close to the girl and it was painfully obvious that he was interested in her. when they first boarded the bus, the 2 women sat together, but the guy shamlessly asked the other (uglier) woman to allow him to sit beside the girl and she did.
he was smiling now since the first step of his evil plan had succeeded. he had her cornered. now it was time for step 2: try to talk to her. i say try because that's what he was doing. they weren't talking, HE was trying to talk to her and failing miserably.
she just sat there and looked out the window like a sad sad girl, occasionally giving replies without even turning to look at him. i would be sad too if i were forced to sit beside that guy and be bombarded with inane questions about work. yea WORK! who the fuck talks about work to girls? but he did, and that just shows how much of a boring person he is.
once in a while she would turn and look at him while replying and even SMILE at him. big mistake, as he seemed to take this as affirmation that he should continue. if i remember correctly, her misery was finally ended when she reached her stop and got off with one of the other guys.
seriously i swear there was a smug grin on super-gelled-hair's face and he was definitely happy that he managed to talk to the prettiest girl in his office. after all, it was probably his greatest achievement of the whole month.
the man she left with was younger and definitely more attractive than the previous guy (at least he didn't have super-gelled hair). as they were alighting, i noticed that he stealthily placed his hand on the small of her back. it was so quick that none of the others noticed it, but she would have definitely felt it and she didn't flinch which means that he probably does it on a regular basis, WHICH MEANS THAT HE IS PROBABLY HER SECRET BOYFRIEND.
the guy was also rather sly, quietly sitting in the back during the journey and not even giving them the slightest clue about their [assumed] relationship.
well, as i swiftly came to the conclusion that they were a couple, i felt quite sad for that super-gelled-hair guy. imagine the look on his face when he finally finds out that his dream girl already has a boyfriend right under his nose. but at least that would wipe the smugness off his face for good.
anyway this was a rather pointless story, but there are some things that you can learn from it:
firstly, if you want to talk to a girl with the intention of 'furthering' your relations, please DO NOT be boring, which means that you can't talk about work no matter what. even if you are a boring person by nature, at least pretend to be interesting or you'll never get her.
secondly, please ensure that your dream girl does not already have a 'close guy friend,' because nothing good can ever come out of it unless the guy is a homo. this is especially important because it would be rather embarrassing to cry in front of everyone when you find out that she's getting married but not to you.
i registered for driving waaaay back in september 2007 but only first stepped into a car in mid-january. so after 4 months of waking up at 7 to go for 8am lessons (self-torture) and enduring various irritating instructors with funny english ("parallels parkings, verdicus parkings"), i'm glad to say it's finally over.
had my test this morning at 8.30 and erm i had 8 points because of 'failure to take precaution against pedestrian'. the pedestrian in this case is a fucking idiot indian woman who was talking on her phone while jaywalking very slowly while facing the opposite direction of on-coming traffic (me).
i was supposed to honk at her but didn't because i was so nice, but the tester was nicer and he honked for me and gave me 8 points as a present for being nice. i should have used the age-old excuse of "i didn't see her because she's so black" but didn't in case the tester had an indian wife or something. maybe an indian husband.
anyway the point is i am quite sad because i could have gotten a godly ZERO POINTS and then proceed to laugh at everyone who ever failed to achieve the same. "oh you scored 4 points for your driving test? well done, BUT I HAD ZERO POINTS AHAHAHGAHA!" my hopes were dashed by that idiot woman.
actually before the test i was thinking i would be happy as long as i scored a pass, as after all no one really cares if you had 2 points or 18 points, they only care about your license. and besides that i was also anticipating some bad karma after laughing and making fun of (both secretly and openly) people that i know who failed their tests.
but! BUT! after i found out that i was this close to scoring fucking ZERO POINTS, i feel considerably disappointed, kinda like after my napfa results when although i had a gold, the numbers weren't that nice looking.
in any case, there's no car for me to drive so it doesn't really make any difference. i still can't chaff anyone around.
well i've already prepared myself mentally for NS enlistment in september so i'll be absolutely fucked if i went in earlier. there's still many things that i've 'planned' to do during this period so please please don't fuck me up.
the reason i'm worrying is because although we haven't recieved the enlistment letters, my friend has a friend working for the enemy and she told him his date is in june. JUNE! that's fucked up. this means that there's a slight chance that the rest of us (ME) would be enlisting in june as well.
i went into the kitchen and saw an old man smoking. i asked him for a stick, he passed me one of those roll-it-yourselves which was already rolled. i started smoking in my kitchen until my sister came in and i quickly dumped the stick.
there were many crows flying around outside the window she said, so i went to my room to get my pellet gun to shoot them down. when i got back, the crows were wearing leather body armour so i could only hit them with headshots. it was hard because the gun wasn't accurate or powerful enough to do much damage.
i shot one crow and it laughed at me because it didn't hurt at all.
more crows were coming and they were flying straight towards the window, trying to get in. the stupid gun was useless against them. i took a stick and tried to hit them down. some of the crows were armed with spears now. my sister was standing in front of the window and one crow threw its spear through the window grilles and skewered my sister in the body.
i looked at her for a moment and then tried to hit the crows with my stick again, but they were really growing in numbers, almost turning the whole sky black.
somewhat amazing is the fact that i just weighed myself and the display panel read 50.7 which means that i lost about 3kg since school ended i think. strange because you'd think (and i thought) that my sedentary lifestyle would invariably lead to weight gain, or at the minimum, at least no weight loss.
but no, i'm 50.7. i think some i'm gonna be the envy of some girls. i wonder if that's a good thing? it's the metal in my mouth that caused me to lose what little interest i had in eating due to the discomfort, trouble and actual inability to eat (which led to my porridge diet, which is over btw).
actually my low weight is caused by water loss from this morning's soccer. tomorrow i'll be back to normal 51+ which i guess is slightly more respectable although still far from 'healthy'.
the oc is my all-time favourite show ever since they started showing it back during sec 4. at first i thought it was a dumb show after watching the trailer and advertisements, but fortunately i caught the first episode on that one fateful thursday night and i was hooked.
unfortunately they destroyed the whole show in season 4 but luckily i haven't watched a single episode of it so my memory of the oc shall be forever untainted.
well i was looking through my phone's calendar and the furthest year it would go to was 2079. then i checked some birthdays and found out that we'll be at a ripe old age of 91 by then. if we were still alive, that is.
it gave me a shock for a little while. it's so scary imagining myself at 91. white hair, no teeth, probably bedridden, mother father brother sister friends all dead, hell i'd probably outlive my wife at that kinda age.
in case anyone was wondering, these are the things i've been up to lately:
1. eating porridge Every Single Day for the past week. yummy. i think my maid has run out porridge ideas. so far i've eaten oyster, scallop, liver, minced meat, and egg i think. any other ideas? no century egg cos it sucks.
2. getting pissed off with all that damn metal in my mouth. ulcers are starting to appear and eating is a big problem because food gets stuck all over and i can't chew as well. it's only 2 years more.
3. bike lessons, burning in the sun with the required long sleeves and pants. makes me reconsider the practicality of owning a bike, since the weather here is either Very Hot or Very Wet. sometimes it variates between the 2, which adds to the problem. black clouds can magically appear on sunny days and then disappear after pouring for an hour.
4. playing arcade with my cousin at least 5 times a week i think. great fun! feels like 1998 again. we were arcade freaks back then too, and strangely many of the games we played back then are still around. it's as though arcade game-makers did not make enough progress in the last 10 years to phase out the old games. noobs.
i will look for a job once i get bored enough of the above, which could be either soon or never.
