lightness

after writing the previous post i realised why i don't write as often these days.

it's due to the exact opposite of the reason i used to write a lot. "thoughts and feelings are transient and fleeting but become real once written down."

i once felt a great importance and need to make things real, and probably suffered a fair bit from this. things would be set as they were at that one moment i wrote them down, when in reality they could be forgotten or evolve through the passage of time

i suppose this could also be added to the Great List of Things That Changed From 18 Months of Doing Nothing. i had so much time to drown myself in my thoughts (and there was a shitload of them), i went over the same things again and again until i didn't know where was the beginning and the end.

and if there is no beginning and no end, at which point should i choose to put it in writing? i cannot, because tomorrow it would not be the same.

now i am more accepting of their transient nature and in fact i sometimes embrace it, and as a result i feel much lighter and less prone to harping upon the past.

10

today this thing turns 10 years old!

although the official first post was made on the 17th, i actually created it the day before but there were some technical difficulties which made me so annoyed that i deleted the whole damn thing.

10 years later, i dunno if it was a good thing that on the following day i decided to try again, because if i didn't, this thing wouldn't exist, and what would my life be without it?

but really though, i wonder how different would my life be without this. for better or worse, my past 10 years and this thing have been inextricably linked. thoughts and feelings are transient and fleeting but become real once written down.

especially through my tumultuous teenage years, this was my outlet for expressing myself and it came in surprisingly handy given my well-known lack of ability to do so in person.

over the years it has given the people around me a glimpse into my head, perhaps allowing them to know me a little better (again, for better or worse?), making me a few friends and a few lovers and also lost me some along the way.

what would i be? this has been a long journey and i think barring the shutdown of blogspot, i would continue to maintain it for the next part of my life.

vengeance falls

" “kareem” by definition is someone who is in the position/power to take revenge or get even, but still forgives you."

the above is in relation to some islamic teachings. i came across it earlier today and felt that this would be a good habit for me to adopt.

as unbelievable as it sounds, i do try to be a good person but often find myself falling short.

i know that i am very vengeful towards people who cross me, especially if they do it knowingly and for no other reason than because they are fucked up as a person.

in such cases i often dream of my revenge and if the opportunity arises, i gladly grab it and my payback is limitless.

i never felt it was wrong although sometimes i did feel bad, not for them, but for myself.