brightest of all

after coming across that arienette video a few weeks ago, it rekindled a sort of bright eyes obsession and i've been watching their live performances on youtube almost every day.

i've been listening to that song in its original form for years now, and suddenly he makes this performance that just made my head go BOOM and shattered everything i knew.

the video is really something to behold, but i am totally unable to find anyone who can truly understand just how awesome it is. i don't even know a single person who really likes the band.

i can't share my feelings with anyone about the video so all i can do is watch and rewatch it, and it just fuels this insanity.

thank god for the guy who filmed the performance and uploaded it, because otherwise it'll be lost forever, surviving only in the minds of those few lucky enough to have been there.

just imagine them retelling this tale so their friends and children and grandchildren to the point where it reaches legendary status, complete with fireworks in the background at the climax of the song.

anyway i've been listening to all the different live versions of this song all day, and this video is one of the better ones.



"i'm leaving this place
but there's nothing that i'm planning to take
just you..."

arienette

"...the way they talk about the guy’s feelings of being excluded in a social conversation they had earlier. the way they could see each other’s vulnerability and make an effort to protect one another. the way they feel it’s okay to feel this way, to feel vulnerable..."

i read this on my friend's blog and i sort of realised that i've never thought of a relationship in this way before. to me, such issues are more of personal problems that i think that you have to deal with on your own, because at the end of the day, it's all in your head and only you can fix it.

anyway a relationship is already a fecking minefield on its own, and i'm sure it could make do with one less problem. "sharing your problems" just mean that you remove some of the weight and let someone else carry it. in the end the weight still has to be carried.



this is the perfect song for people who feel the opposite of me. the world is a scary place, and arienette is the only one who can keep him safe and sane. one girl to make everything worth living through.

october 2008

today i went back to camp to do my ippt. being back again made me think of all the days i spent there.

on this day 3 years ago, we had only just been there for 3 weeks. still in the wide-eyed shitty state, not quite sure what's going on, we were getting fucked from all directions and unaware of how to protect ourselves.

those early days were among the worst of all. those days seemed like they would last forever and made me wonder how would i survive the whole 8 months.

watching some of the poor souls marching around, i could almost close my eyes and bring myself back to the days when i was one of them too. the sights and smells, the thoughts and feelings i had in my head, they're all so clear.

now that the pain is long gone, all that's left behind is this strange feeling when i think of the old days.

a living nightmare

this morning it was raining so heavily and i don't have school today! what a perfect morning to sleep in.

BUT... i was shaken out of my slumber at 8am by something WAILING away outside my room. what in the fucking hell is that animal? at first i tried to ignore it and managed to drift off into a light sleep, only to be jolted awake again seconds later.

once my head cleared, it became apparent that the wailing was coming from an animal known as The Maid, aka The Number 1 Songstress of The House.

i lay in bed calmly, hoping that the wailing would go away. maybe she came across her favourite part of her favourite song, and just couldn't resist singing it. but no, she carried on.

i lay in bed getting a little agitated, still hoping that the wailing would go away. i could hear her mopping the floor. maybe she would slip and smash her head on the floor? but no, she carried on.

by now, i felt like punching something. i went out into the living room. she was mopping the floor, the radio was on, AND she had her earphones plugged in to her handphone and was listening to whatever fucking shit song that she was still belting out at full volume.

i told her to shut it, but she couldn't hear me over the fucking racket that was the radio + her wailing + her earphones. i walked right up to her. stop singing, i said through gritted teeth. if i hadn't clenched my jaw as hard as i had, the words would have came out more to the extent of STOP THAT FUCKING SINGING, but yea, self-control is a virtue.

she looked up from her mopping with such a puzzled expression on her face, like never in her wildest dreams she could have thought that anyone wouldn't love her beautiful singing. WELL, THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS PAINFUL, BITCH.

so there, i had slayed the beast. it was now time to go back to sleep. i lay down in bed... and couldn't sleep. FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lines crossed

so this afternoon i was calling my friend who was in school and a woman picked up. i thought it was one of the girls playing around, but i could hear some kids' noises in the background. it gave me the impression of a kindergarten.

strange, so i was like erm, hello, joel?

"joel? who is joel?!" she sounded indian.

fucking strange, so i just hanged up. afterwards when i met him, i called and it went through without any problem. i don't know how did it get connected to this woman's phone the first time.

after half an hour i got a message from a strange number. "why who r u?where u get my #?"

i told her i was calling my friend and somehow it got connected to her phone.

she replied "oh i see,u talk already 2 ur frend,by the way im shawie?"

holy fuck is she trying to befriend me? this crazy bitch must have watched one too many romantic films and probably thinks that she's fated to be together with me. but could i blame her? after all, what are the chances of the phone line randomly connecting to her?

i thought about it for a second. am i really fated to be together with 'shawie,' a crazy indian bitch probably in her 30s, working in a kindergarten, and with such terrible english?

HELLLLLLLL NO. i didn't reply.

where did the days go?

under one of the blocks near my house is a clinic that my family always go to when we're sick. it's been there for at least the past 10 years, with the same doctor and receptionist/sometimes nurse.

a few days ago i was at the bus stop when i saw the receptionist there. she got on the same bus as me so i had the chance to study her for a little bit.

it might have been a bad day, but she looked quite haggard, skin dry and eyes sunken in, almost like she's lost a part of her soul.

back in the day, she was a real pretty girl. i remember sneaking glances at her whenever my mother wasn't looking. i haven't seen her face for quite some time because nowadays she's always wearing a face mask due to all the swine flu and bird flu shit.

during my last trip to the doctor i saw her tired eyes and thought just how terrible it was for her to spend her whole youth in that little clinic, 6 days a week, working till 11 at night with only that doctor for company (and he's not even hot). all her beauty wasted behind that desk.

she must now be at least in her 30s and still looks rather pretty but it was really such a shame to have seen her that day, a painful reminder that these days once gone will never be back.

the kiss

"she remembered something a woman in paris had told her once. a woman in her forties, much married, elegant, a little world-weary. ‘there is nothing easier in this world,’ this woman had claimed, ‘than getting a man to kiss you.’ ‘oh really?’ eva had said, ‘so how do you do that?’ ‘just stand close to a man,’ the woman had said, ‘very close, as close as you can without touching - he will kiss you in one minute or two. it’s inevitable. for them it’s like an instinct - they can’t resist. infallible."
– william boyd

actually this trick works on women too. it's just rather unfortunate that it seems a whole lot more creepy for a guy to start standing so close to a woman than for a woman to do it on a man.

however if creepiness is not a constraint to you, i would urge you to try it, as long as you don't have breath that smells like death. and also don't stand close to a stranger on the train and expect her to kiss you.

hyg

about 2 weeks back i finally gave up on having to find some running partners every time i want to go for a jog and decided to fuck it and run on my own.

so one evening, i went down to the park connector behind my house. i was expecting to see a lot of old men and women and some fit young men, but i was pleasantly surprised by the number of hot young girls running there too.

one of the reasons i didn't wanna run alone was because i thought it would bore the shit outta me, and the hot young girls there definitely provided me with something interesting to think about while i ran.

however, some days i went quite late and there weren't any hot young girls (fear of the dark?) but somehow i didn't feel bored like i thought i would be.

then i realised the real reason didn't wanna run alone because it just feels so utterly retarded to be running by the pavements that i cannot possibly do it alone. running at the secluded park connector with all these people just felt like a normal activity, not the least bit retarded.

so yea, the point of this is actually just to let you know that there are a lot of hot young girls running with me and that you should wish me luck with them.