vroom-crash-die

i was talking to a cab driver on my way home last friday night, because i just had a good night and was drinking and i felt friendly.

and amongst all the things i talked to him about, i asked if he thought riding a bike is dangerous, since i figured a cab driver would have lots of experience in such road-related matters.

"DANGEROUS!" he said. he then let on that he used to ride back in his younger days, even joining bike gangs and such fun stuff. and he said it was great fun.

anyway the purpose of this is because i was thinking i could just go ahead and get a bike now instead of waiting till may or whenever the time comes. the time could well be NOW.

but seriously everytime i think of riding, i think of myself lying on the road after a crash. i do think that crashing is really inevitable, just depends on how hard and how bad.

and in relation to when i said that this life is not mine, i do have to take into consideration how this would affect the people around me, my friends and my families, and whoever else who gives a shit.

if i ride and die, people will be sad (HOPEFULLY!). if i become handicapped, my family is going to be burdened by me. these are both really avoidable situations.

i think i'm just too pessimistic.

amazing

oh remember when i made a list of the 3 perfectest albums i've heard? i made a very very bad mistake of forgetting to include afi's the art of drowning. it should be first on the list. i listened to it again today after a very long time and wow it was amazing.

go buy it NOW. it's available at MPH.

soul: destroyed

the last 2 weeks were spent in home team basic course, which is basically a big waste of time, 8 hours in the auditorium everyday, learning about the various home team agencies and their functions. good thing was that we were free from our instructors so no pt or punishments at all.

anyway there were members from other places too, like scdf and ica etc, so it was like some sort of big holiday camp. scdf had the biggest group with 100, we were second on 65.

one thing that we noticed was that the scdf boys were very rowdy and were having a whole lot of fun, while us spf fucks were all sitting (or sleeping) quietly like a bunch of docile animals, which is quite strange considering we had the 2nd biggest group and we were on home ground.

i have concluded that this is because our spirits have all been broken by our previous instructor, like the way you would train a dog or horse. fuck them up to the point where their soul is destroyed and they'll start listening to you without any problem.

now we can't have fun even when the chance is there. is it just us or are all previous batches like that too?

sunday always comes too late

it's a sunday night (monday morning) and i'm at home. i think the last time this happened was the 7th of december because of hari raya haji on monday, and before that was probably in september when i just passed out from bmt.

so so so you see, tonight is indeed a very special night. and i'm sorry that this place is becoming increasingly dead and boring. i think it's because i write a real physical journal in camp and that's where all my creative juices go to. none left for here.

maybe one day all of you would get to read my journal and find out just how sick my mind is, especially since i try not to censor myself. "no one's gonna be reading this anyway," i tell myself. maybe i'll bring my journal home and post up some of my entries. or maybe not.

and i'm writing a series of short stories titled Spaceboy. someday i shall publish it as a children's book and make millions. and kids all around the world would be reading my demented stories. wonderful. i've only completed my second story though.

it shall be an illustrated storybook and have an instrumental soundtrack as well. it's gonna be fantastic.

communal living

i just wonder how much of our lives truly belong to us? our lives are all intertwined to the point where a person cannot make a decision or action that wouldn't affect someone else.

before everything i do, i can't help but think just how is this going to affect others? and if that's the way i see it, i can't even live my life the way i want to, because there are too many things to consider.

the only one thing that we have as humans are our lives. so if it doesn't really belong to us, where does that leave us? we have nothing but we also have each other.

our lives, futures and destinies are all shared in one big mess, and it's impossible to determine what's mine and what's yours. it's all ours. that's what we have.

try and see it

"it's alright
cause there's beauty in the breakdown"
let go - frou frou

"...there is a strange beauty in this, because the heart of humanity is our emotions. although it can seem like the world is ending, when you feel like you cant sink any lower, just remember this: in order to feel that level of devastation, you had to have experienced something very very wonderful. be glad that it happened. there is truly beauty in that."
stolen from songmeanings

gonna be so old

i had some resolutions last year. the only one i managed to accomplish was that i haven't regretted doing (or not doing) anything in 2008, or at least nothing major.

for 2009 most importantly i need to figure out what i am going to do after NS. if i am going to study, where am i going to study and what am i going to study. if i am going to work, where am i going to work, and what kind of job would i be interested in. these are questions that need to be answered very quickly.

next is once again, try to be happy. after one year of trying, i think i've got a little clue as to how this works. now i must push on and maybe, just maybe 2009 will be better.

and of course, living without regrets was a good feeling so this too shall be brought forward to this year.

CHILLL more and don't think so much into everything (except #1 above). just let life take me on a ride to wherever, and hopefully hopefully this ride will be a good one.

lastly is to buy a bike by may and have all sorts of fun that i could have on a bike. just try not to die or to kill anyone.