all hell break loose

i said earlier this year that i was looking for change, looking so hard that i realised that i have been enforcing new things upon myself. i am now allowing into my life some things that i would readily reject in the past.

one of the things i have always been curious about is what would happen if i actually tried something with any of the girls that i always randomly fall for. i have always treated these feelings with extreme caution and honestly my curiosity was not great enough for me to wanna do something extraordinary.

no doubt though, the idea of 'what if' always lingered, and recently i had the perfect opportunity to test this out.

it was a pretty standard situation that i found myself in - see a strange girl and notice something about her that just made me feel that she was not just any ordinary girl. the difference this time was that some things happened to fall into place and gave me a huge opening...

what the hell, for the sake of change and new experiences. i decided for once i would see what it would be like to dive headfirst into my feelings, with little consideration to all the other things that usually plague my mind.

so i did, with no expectations of any happily ever after and the idea was to just take things as they were, not to over-think and go with whatever felt right at each moment.

well, it certainly didn't take long for me to wonder just what the fuck was i thinking. have i forgotten every painful lesson i learnt in the past decade or can i blame it all on the alcohol and the strange little thing called love?

what i took out of this experience is the affirmation that i'm really not good at playing this game - i was surprised (did i really not know this?) at how affected i was and the ease at which i allowed this to develop, especially for something that right from the start i knew i was supposed to take lightly.

the worst thing about this is i can't even say it was fun while it lasted.