i was looking through my old hard drive today. it contains stuff from 2005-2008, things that i found significant enough to back up.
i found this in a word document, and for the life of me, i cannot remember where it came from. a movie or a book, most probably, but other than that i'm drawing a total blank.
"I would like to call it fate, but I should call it chance, that put you in my yard at the time my heart was at its most tender. I suppose I’m lucky it was you and not someone crueler. Still, if it had been anyone but you, Alice, I would have loved again, and plenty, before this ripe age. Cursed by your eyes, however, I never have."
last year before i graduated, my plan to get some proper employment was to apply for a lot of jobs and then go for the one that would pay me the most, because i figured all jobs suck anyway.
a few weeks ago i finally finally finally went online to look for some. and fuck me, the jobs all seemed really really really shit. i could really see myself dying if i ever had to do those jobs.
people ask me what do i want to do. i honestly have no clue. everyone seems to have accepted as a fact that they are gonna be working in a shit job for a long time and have resigned themselves to all the perils associated with it.
the boredom of the daily grind, growing fat and unhealthy, trading your life for money, what else?
a few days ago i was reminded of a faye wong song from her album that we used to listen to in my father's car, a long long time ago.
i've been thinking of the song for the past few days but the problem is, i don't know the title, i don't know the album, and the worst thing, i don't even remember what it sounds like.
all i know is that i'll know it when i hear it.
so today i went on youtube to find the song. it shouldn't be that hard, i figured. it was probably one of her singles since i've heard it on the radio before, so it should be among her top videos.
how wrong i was. after going through 2 pages of songs, i went to her wikipedia page and found out she has like a million albums and a billion songs.
7 pages later, i still haven't found what i was looking for but i've gained a new appreciation for her songs, especially those from when she was young. they feel so very real and honest.
and of course it helps knowing that she was so damn cute too. in this movie released in 1994, she was only 24 or 25 years old. i would totally be in love if i were to meet a girl like that now.
whenever i read reports of guys dying because of their NS obligations, i always think to myself, "that could have been me." and it feels so bad because we are being forced to give up our lives for this cuntry when it is getting more fucked up by the day. why are we doing this?
last year a boy died due to a rare allergy from a chemical in the smoke grenades. that could have been me. any one of us could have had such an allergy, and it's funny because no one bothered doing any tests on us for these allergies before we enlisted although every soldier will definitely breathe in copious amounts of this smoke.
every year a good number of men die while doing their IPPT. that could have been me. any one could have an undiagnosed heart condition and suffered heart failure for pushing himself just that bit too far, just to be 10 seconds faster and avoid going for remedial training.
how about the accidents? killed by falling tree branch, crushed by vehicle, live firing mishaps, the list is endless. it all could have been me. and not forgetting all the stress and emotional turmoil associated with NS that we had to go through, it is not something that everyone can cope with.
beside that, there are those who serve in the police force or civil defence, they put themselves at directly risk each time they go on duty, chasing after suspects or entering burning buildings.
the last time i went for reservist i kept checking my back because i was so worried that some fucker would try to sneak up on me. why would i want to put my life in danger during reservist? just to get a state funeral and a post-humous promotion? in the end i would still be a dumb fuck who died for nothing.
i'm not against this national service, but why are we sacrificing 2 years of our youths and even our lives when other people are coming in and getting a free ride? there is literally no upside to our sacrifice but instead we suffer unlimited downsides.
i could have died for this country and i don't even know what i did it for.
i wrote about my footballingproblems before, back when i finished ns and restarted playing after 2 years.
since then i've been trying all different means and ways to improve, because i always get so annoyed when i play poorly and also frankly what's the point of playing if i'm gonna be shit every week?
part of the problem then was the change in my muscles. after all that training, sure i could run long distances and carry heavy loads, but when it came to soccer, my legs just felt numb and retarded.
i stopped trying to play like i had in the past and instead started to slowly develop a whole new style. i continually analysed my play to find ways to improve and figure out what works for me now.
i also started to dabble in all the technological advances that i used to scoff at. sweat-wicking t-shirts (it works), compression tights (no difference), good boots (big difference), no harm in trying if it would help me.
some things that i found to be useful:
- boots! i used to think that they were all the same, but now i know i
just got lucky back in the day when i randomly picked up my first pair
just because it was cheap. it was good so i bought the same one again.
when i restarted, i randomly bought another cheap pair again and i
didn't realise it then, but part of the reason i was so shit was because
my shoes were really shit too.
try on different shoes from different brands because they're really very
different. most importantly buy one that suits the shape of your feet
the best and buy the best pair you can afford. because i'm a peasant i
wait till they're on sale before buying. i got a pair discounted from
$269 to $80 and seriously it's the best shit ever and it really affects
your play.
- play at a different tempo from everyone else (both your team and opponents). if you see them sprinting all over the place and getting excited, walk instead. gives you more time to look around and they're running to fast to tackle you anyway. you can just walk right through them. increase your pace when they slow down.
- communicate with your teammates. often the teams are just put together with whoever that attended on that day and sometimes it ends up being very haphazard, with everyone doing his own thing. if nobody is taking the lead then you've gotta talk to them and get your shit together.