it could be me

"if this is the life then why does it feel so good to die today?"
grow up and blow away - metric 

one night last week i was riding home from work when i wondered how i would feel if i had an accident and died right there.

what a fucking shitty way to spend my last day alive, i thought. literally nothing good happened that day and i was going to die even before i reached home?

i ended up singing my favourite songs to myself so that i would at least be doing something nice at my point of death.

yesterday the newspapers said that a national sprinter was riding on that same road on which i travel to work everyday when he crashed his bike and died.

i hope he had a good day before that.

little fucker

sometimes in life i'll come across some extraordinarily fucked up people that i would just love to project the full force of my hatred upon, but as i am such a kind and lovely person, i always tried to find some redemption for them.

i used to have this belief that a person couldn't really be that bad as long as there was some semblance of goodness within them.

most times this really wasn't easy to see, so what i would use to judge their hidden goodness is through their ability to love and be loved, because i don't think anyone could love a truly detestable person.

it could be their spouse, children, parents, pets, whatever. as long as they had some love in them, or had someone who loved them, it was enough for me to continue treating them like a normal person.

i do not feel it is necessary to treat a truly fucked up person the same way as i treat others. they deserve something special.

anyway recent events had me thinking, isn't it worse that a person who has goodness within him chooses to act in such detestable ways? shouldn't i hate him more instead of one who is truly fucked up, not by choice but because that's just the way he is?

i'm still trying to decide.

fresh

today was my first day of work. last night i contemplated writing something about how this could be my last day EVER as a free man, and how my life would be so different once i woke up in the morning, but then i realised it's not such a big deal.

i adapt to new surroundings and fall into new routines almost effortlessly, and for some strange reason i almost never feel that i miss what was normal to me in the past. in a way, i feel like i could move to a different country tomorrow and still feel completely fine.

one thing i'll try to take note of, is not to get infected by this 'tired' and 'busy' disease which has befallen so many of my friends. remain healthy and active, don't get overwhelmed by work.

the madness

i wonder if we should put ourselves in extreme situations that would allow us to find out who we truly are deep inside and what we're capable of doing.

something funny as an example: my friend went to OCS during his NS days, and as part of his training he had to go through a jungle confidence course in brunei. one segment involved having to kill and cook a live chicken (or some bird?).

before this, he thought it was so disgusting and there was no way he would do it, but when the day came, he was so hungry that all he could think of was FOOD! he grabbed the bird and immediately ripped its head off with his bare hands.

another friend told me he was so hungry that he actually tried to eat an earthworm that he caught to use for fishing. he said it tasted so gross that he spat it out.

what about a person who is in such a desperate situation that he turns to crime? we may condemn him and claim that we would never do such a thing, but would we really act differently? and if he is merely doing something that everyone else would do, is he still a criminal?

how about something good, like being in love? what if you could see all the literally crazy things that you might do while being blinded by love? would you still dare to love someone?

most of these situations we would not get to experience in our lifetime, but aren't you curious to find out?

i found the connector

when i first heard arcade fire's new album reflektor, all i could think of was what the hell happened to them?

it was a move so far off from themselves that it really wasn't an arcade fire album anymore. i don't even know what it was.

it just seemed that they were trying too hard to sound avant-garde, trying to be special and ended up sounding like rubbish.

i tried my best to like this new arcade fire. i listened to the album once, twice, three times and i gave up. i couldn't do it.

then one day i came across one of their new live performances on youtube. always keen on giving them a chance, i watched it.

and i finally understood.

this IS arcade fire. they weren't trying too hard. if anything, they were actually sedating themselves in the past.

this album is the explosion from all the build-up in their past work.

all this time they were pupating, waiting for their chance to burst forth as a splendid, sparkling butterfly and rain glitter upon the world.

this is what they were meant to be all along.