i'll never be ok

"you told me that you want to die
i said i've been there myself more than a few times
and i go back every once in a while
you called me lucky, you... you called me lucky

you said tonight is a wonderful night to die
i asked you how you could tell you told me to look at the sky
look at all those stars
look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

it's one or another
between a rope and a bottle
i can tell you're having trouble breathing

cos you'll never be ok
you'll never be ok
(you'll always be in pain)
you'll always feel this way
cos things they never work out right
(the wrong way the lonely way)
you'll always be in pain"
trouble breathing - alkaline trio

ask me nicely and i'll send you the song. it's so nice and depressing.

why this?

"lips are turning blue, a kiss that can't renew
i only dream of you, my beautiful"
sing for absolution - muse

i thought everything was going well, until i went to sleep and had a dream.

normally when i'm dreaming, i will feel a sense of apprehension and i am cautious at accepting what i'm experiencing (in the dream) as reality. but this dream felt so damn real and everything was so damn clear that i believed everything and thought this was it.

midway through my dream, i thought how lucky i was, and that just a few hours ago i was sleeping at home.

then i woke up and OH SHIT I AM SLEEPING AT HOME.

oh dreams, how much i hate them.

bubble

"please don't ask me what i think
trust me, you don't want to know. "
the last kiss - afi

most of the time i do not share my thoughts with others, because i am worried/ i know that they will not think the same as me. i do not want to soil my thoughts with needless opinions.

it is ironic though, that i am currently sharing my thoughts.

i just watched the last kiss. i found it to be rather interesting.

z

i wanna buy a jukebox, like the kind you used to be able to find in mcdonald's. then i can put all my cds inside and not have to worry about changing discs ever again.

am i missing something?

the time to stop wearing something is when you notice everyone else is wearing it, such as banglas and toilet cleaners. that's why people should stop wearing ultra-tight (and uber-cool) pants and vans slip-ons.

but some people only start wearing something when everyone else is wearing it. such people are what i like to call brainless.

nowadays when i go out and get bored, i like to count the number of 'little miss' t-shirts i see girls wearing on the streets. my god, there are thousands! i counted till my eyes went blind.

this is an example of an article of clothing that no one should wear anymore. a long time ago, it was cute. now it's just getting out of hand. i feel sad for those who had the shirt before it turned into a pandemic.

if you already own the shirt, burn it. if you intend to buy one, burn yourself.

or you could buy a white t-shirt and draw your own.

Little Miss I've-Got-A-Brain-So-I'm-Not-Wearing-A-Little-Miss-Shirt

something

a lesson from long ago: when a girl invites you over to her house, just agree. there is no need to consider.

and that's how the story goes

i remember some time ago i was looking through some of my father's old photo albums and i came across pictures of him in the 70s. he couldn't have been any older than i am now, sporting a pimping mustache, wide-framed glasses and bell-bottoms.

basically how a teen in the 70s would look like. he was ice skating with his buddies, some of whom i recognise because he still goes out with them now, when he is able to.

i look at the pictures and wonder how would he feel if he could see the life he is having now. would he be contented with his job and family? or was he expecting so much more?

i wonder how i would feel if i were in his shoes, both as a teenager and as an adult 30 years down the road.

my mother was only 20 when she met my father. that's only 1 year away from where i am now. i am at a stage where life-changing decisions are going to be made. what if the choices are wrong?

actually there are no right or wrong choices. i have only 1 life. there is no other 'better' life to compare it with. it could be said that i am living the best life possible, or also the worst.

let's just hope for the best.

she doesn't let me get up

"she only come to me in my dreams
so sleep becomes addicting
it's not healthy
it's what makes you right"
the deep end - scary kids scaring kids

i am immune to the alarm clock in the morning. i think i either sleep through all the ringing or i wake up and switch it off without remembering. that's how i manage to wake up at 8.30 for 9am classes.

in the past 5 semesters in school, i've only skipped about 5 tutorials. this semester i've got 4, not including those when i was late and marked absent.

if this continues, i wouldn't have to sit for the exams. i can also postpone ns for another while. that's so much fun.

die young and save yourself

there's someone skating at the carpark beside my house. at deck j, maybe? i can hear the pop of the board and smack of the landing. reminds me of 2004. we grow old and things are changing. soon EVERYTHING'S gonna change for good. i don't like it.

i hate how everywhere's being torn down and rebuilt. everytime this is done, a piece of the past is destroyed for good, and along with it, a piece of my life is gone. gone gone gone forever.

who agrees?

wheeee

i've got a vietnam blog, so you can busy yourselves with that at the moment, while i busy myself with tons of other stuff which i'd rather not be doing.

19

so my birthday is over. i'm 19. that sucks. i wanna thank everyone for your loving wishes and presents and cakes and for turning up for dinner and for cooking dinner and cookies and everything else.

and also vincent for your super long distance sms, all the way from shanghai. love you.

2006

it was almost a year ago when god said "since you want to die, i will show you something worse than death."

today is my birthday. happy birthday.

drink riding

last night after a little bit of drinks i was riding my friend's motorbike with a bitch on pillion, cruising around the carpark helmet-less and shirt-less. i had just learnt how to operate the gear so i was happily gunning the accelerator at gear 3, and then there was a sharp right-hand turn coming up. being a noob, i didn't slow down enough, and in fact still had my hand on the accelerator coming into the bend.

i was too fast and too slow to turn. oh my, i see the curb coming up straight in my path. shit. shit. couldn't find the rear brake because my foot was in the wrong position. shit. release accelerator, squeeze front brake. i put my foot on the ground, prepared to grind it to the bone if that's what it takes to stop the bike. i looked for a soft place to land. i was afraid the bike would fall on us.

wow, the bike stopped, barely half a metre from the curb. we'd be flying into the bushes if we didn't stop in time.

november rain

i unplugged myself from the music so that i could listen to the rain falling outside.

looking out the window, all i could see was a bright curtain of rain as the lightning reflected off the raindrops. other times it was just grey, too thick to see more than just the closest buildings.

now the rain is over and the sky is red. sometimes it lights up in blue and white, like god decided to play with the light switch.

i like it when it rains. the whole world is clean again.

november 2 was a long time ago

"i feel so numb to see this bitter end of beautiful illusions
could this be the same?
broken pieces will not mend to save our past now
go away

i’ll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you

now we must let go
urgency overwhelms me
as i must restrain my flood of tears
i refuse to be slave to your false beauty again"
apology - alesana