some people

over the course of my short working life, i have been forced to come into contact with many people whom i would never voluntarily have anything to do with.

some of them turn out to be fine, others are weird as fuck, and another small minority are just purely fucked up people.

today we shall aim the spotlight at the group of people who are weird as fuck.

there's a guy who is almost completely unable to see things outside of his own point of view. the only way he can make sense of the world around him is by forcefully implementing his own brand of logic onto literally everything.

he is constantly seeking correlations between events and then applying these links onto other differing events, something that often makes me shake my head in disbelief.

for example today he was talking about this girl who told him that a (minimally) 'famous' guy likes her.

"i think it's not true," he said. "if i'm as famous as him, i wouldn't go for a normal girl. i would target higher level girls."

"but everyone has their own preference," i told him.

"yah, but still, he's well-known, he can go for any girl he wants."

"then maybe he wants her?" i asked, half in jest, because i already knew where this was going.

"no no, that's not possible. she's just a normal girl."

- - - - -

there's a girl who likes to project her guilt upon others. it's a strange behavioral anomaly for which i am unsure if she does on purpose or if it's an uncontrollable aspect of her psyche.

for example there was one day she and i were having lunch near our workplace. an old man comes by selling tissues. she looks at him pitifully, then rejects him. the old man lingered.

she then looks up at me. i could see the guilt on her face. "do you want to buy?" she asked with more than a hint of prompting in her voice. i shook my head. she then rejects him again and he goes off.

later as i was done with my meal, i accidentally got my hand dirty. she looked at me. i could sense it, but i thought it couldn't be, it would be so outlandish and impossible...

i had to do it.

"do you have a tissue?" i asked.

"no! don't you have?! i thought you had! then why didn't you buy from the old man just now?!?!"

what in the fuck?

grey

one thing i did the most back when i wasn't working was to think. i thought about everything, and when i was done, i did it again.

it came to the point where i felt i had everything figured out. i could see the world through my eyes and the eyes of others, the eyes of everyone.

from this vantage point, everything fades to grey. there is no right and wrong, no good and bad, things are just so.

only recently did i notice the implications of this: very often, i do not have my own opinion anymore - i have faded to grey.

i find that many things simply do not concern me because i have already gone through them in my head a thousand times and in a thousand different angles to the point where they're not even an issue any longer.

when i can see that there is no right and wrong, no good and bad, where do i stand? i don't even stand anywhere, i just float and observe.

balls

from time to time i play football with some older guys who are in their 30s to 40s, and oh man, some days it gets really depressing.

watching them play, i can easily tell that they were once good players, but work, family, old age, and perhaps a sedentary lifestyle have brought them to such a sorry state.

and the thing about footballers is that we will almost refuse to admit defeat. sure, they will complain about this and that, but when the ball comes, they will always try their darnest to make things work.

the sad thing is even their best efforts often fall short of their expectations and requirements of the reality of playing against guys in their teens and 20s.

one thing i have never ever ever heard though, is them talking about their past abilities, like "i could have done that if i was 20 years younger." in their minds, they can still do it, not better or worse, just play in a different way from before.

anyway it was early last year when i was thinking about this, and i suddenly realised, fuck me, i probably have less than 5 good years left before everything starts dropping off.

that got me into a little bit of worry because i have never thought of that before. playing football has been a part of my life since i was 10, and i need to perform well in order to enjoy it. i've never thought that there would come a time when i would lace up my boots and be entirely hopeless at it.

like a man who found out he has only 5 years to live, i wanted to play as much as i could. my regular football games were dwindling and i had to do something about it.

in the past, i would only play if there was at least a group of people i knew, but from last year i would ask around and turn up for games where i only knew the person who brought me in.

it worked out well for me in the end. despite my leg becoming permanently stiff and immobile after a long injury the previous year, i still managed to have a very good and productive year.

now i have managed to find regular groups for 4 days each week so i hope i will never be short of football this year, and i hope it will be another fruitful year.

from my window to yours

this song hurts me in ways i can't even describe or explain.

here comes the nighttime

"what is simple by the moonlight, by the morning never is."
lua - bright eyes

this 4 day break is the longest one i've had since i started work in april, and for the first time since then, i can finally get to enjoy the nighttime.

i will always prolong the night as much as i can, and already twice in the last 4 nights i've stayed up till the sunrise.

the nights are always great. peaceful and quiet, the past 4 nights really showed me how much i've missed the nighttime and also how much i need it in my life.

i need the nighttime to figure things out. for some reason, all the mortal problems that plaque me in the daylight seem so insignificant at night, and when problems are small, they are easily resolved.

without it, all these stupid issues have been clogging up my brain and my life, not to the point of incapacitation but still enough to annoy me at all times of day. 4 nights have been hardly enough to clear 9 months of shit.