job search and the hunt for inner peace

today at lunch my friend told me this: "on sunday i suddenly lost all motivation to go to work the next day. i suddenly realised i'm gonna be working forever."

i didn't know how to respond so i just laughed, and partly also because it was funny that she has only figured this out now.

as for me, the past break has been a long process of reconciliation of all these conflicting feelings and ideals i have or used to have.

when this all began, i thought i needed to find The (Almost) Perfect Job, despite knowing the impossibility of this. now, i still don't even vaguely know what i want to do, much less know where to look for T(A)PJ.

what i have learnt though, is that perfection is subjective and immeasurable. i cannot ever know if a job is perfect because, to quote the unbearable lightness of being, "there is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison."

i think in all the major crossroads in my life i have never ended up where i wanted to go and things have always turned out fine. secondary school, poly, ns, university, none of them were my top choices but they were all fine. could they have been better or worse? impossible to tell.

next, i thought that should i fail to find my passion, i would find the job that offers the most money. but thinking back, i have worked for fun, for money, for passion, even for no reason at all, and working for money has turned out to be the worst of them all.

these are just 2 examples of what i have managed to reconcile in my head. these changes have gradually allowed me to be more accepting of jobs that i wouldn't even have considered at the beginning.

you could probably say that i should have just taken up these jobs back then and at the same time figure all these shit out, but if i did that i would have been suffering. the job is the same, but my perspective has changed.

my head hurts

my brother's gf has some problems with her house (basically no more house) and it seems like her dog is coming to live at my house for good.

everyone knows how i feel about that dog.

no one asked if i was ok with this.

this is not going to end well.

destroy everything now

just received news that my manager (or ex-manager) has tendered his resignation.

feel so happy and relieved for him.

he has a 3-month notice period though, so i hope he raises hell there for the fucker. no point taking anymore shit now that he's leaving.

127 hours

so, regarding my job... what happened? in short, my boss thought i wasn't doing my job and i think he's a fucker.

longer version:

the position i applied for was some sort of project assistant, helping the manager, doing admin matters and such. within the first few days i realised that i was actually the secretary. ok fine, it was quite a simple and stupid job but i could still carry on with it.

and then i met my boss. i'm not one to judge by first impressions (HAHA), but he sure as hell left a fracking deep one (he is married and his little daughter is so cute).

i have since decided that he is a complete and utter cunt, and i swear it's not by the way he treats me, but the way he treats EVERYONE under him, especially my poor manager. 

my manager is already in his 50s while this cunt is in his early to mid 30s i think, but god damn, you have to see the way he talks down to my manager, it's almost as though he's some kind of sub-human unworthy of any respect and dignity.

as for me not doing my job, most of the time i'm doing work assigned by my manager and i hardly deal with him, but in the second and third week he found reason to scold me 3 times. on 2 occasions i would probably be half at fault while on the third, my manager and i were sabotaged by our mofo colleague.

i didn't bother explaining anything to him because he's the type who labels everything as 'excuses' and some of the things he was scolding really didn't make sense to me. he was just scolding for his own enjoyment and not to improve anything.

besides that, i tried not to bring my manager into the picture although some of the instructions came from him. i figured he already had enough dealings with this fucker and i could probably take some heat as i was still new.

turns out i was wrong. on thursday i received a call from my recruiter, informing me that the client wished to terminate the contract by mutual consent, no reason was given. i was so happy. meanwhile this fucker didn't say anything to me even when i went to him to sign my timesheet.

and although most of the work i was doing was for my manager, the fucker didn't even discuss this with him which is so typically stupid of him. i also found it very stupid since i had already completed almost every kind of task once, and whatever mistakes i made or whatever he wanted to scold me about most likely wouldn't happen again in the next round. getting a new guy there would just restart the whole process.

i can't confirm this, but i later realised that i might have been made scapegoat for an embarrassing cock-up he did that morning in a meeting with a lot of important people.

anyway whatever it is, i'm just glad to have gotten out of there and i hope to forget this whole damn thing soon because thinking about these 3 weeks really make me feel so annoyed.

the end has no end

throughout all my previous endeavours in life, there was always an end-point to look forward to and to work towards.

in school, there were exams and holidays and graduation, in temp jobs there was the end date and the start of school, in NS there was POP and ORD. all of these were solid, tangible points.

a few days after i started work, i felt a sense of loss and confusion which i initially didn't manage to put my finger to. some time later, i figured out that this was caused by the seemingly endless timeline of work.

where is the ending to look towards?

some might say they look forward to their next pay raise or promotion or change of jobs, but these targets are blurry at best. it could come this year or the next or never.

i don't know how to live this way.

!!!

this weekend has been the best i've had in a long long time.

first of all, i left my job on thursday (more on that later) which was already such a joyous occasion on its own.

then on saturday i went to watch foals by myself and it was amazing. i was actually thinking of giving it a miss since no one wanted to go, but fortunately i decided to go in the end.

today i went to watch taking back sunday and that was great as well, finally getting to see them live after listening to their songs for the past 10 years.

probably the only thing that could have made this a better weekend was a nice hard game of football, but i've been injured so no chance for that.