12.30pm on the bus

dear lady on the bus,

hello there. i'm the guy who was sitting in front of you on the 190. i was thinking if i should give up my seat, but i honestly couldn't tell if you were pregnant or just had a tummy. i figured it would be rather bad if i had given you my seat and you weren't pregnant.

so you see, i wasn't being unkind, i was just too thoughtful. i was thoughtful but you were just plain annoying. maybe you were mad that i didn't give you my seat, but still you didn't need to mash yourself against me that much. your knees were practically resting against my thighs!

there was a fat indian sitting beside me so i couldn't escape. i'm sorry so say but at times, i had a real strong urge to punch you, especially when you decided that a great place to rest your arm would be 5cm in front of my face. i thought of punching your tummy because it was the most obvious target (i decided that you weren't pregnant so i'm not trying to kill your unborn child).

i also thought of punching you in the nether regions because it was a more accessible target (and in case you really were pregnant). but i suppose punching a lady for coming too close to me would bring bad karma and also make other ladies afraid of coming close, so i refrained from doing so.

if you really were pregnant, i'm sorry but you were still extremely annoying. next time wear some padding on your tummy to make it more obvious that you're expecting. if you weren't pregnant, then FUCK YOU BITCH.

yeah, you escaped unscathed this time, but i don't think everyone will be as nice as me. if you keep doing this, one fine day your vag is gonna suffer the pain of a punch.

regards,
guy on the bus

wine

we grow and change each day without even noticing it. little by little we become different people from who we were the day before.

by the day, perhaps it's not that obvious. you'd think you're the same as the day before and the day before that. but add up the days, think 6 months, a year. bet you can't recall.

i was thinking about myself, how was i before. i couldn't remember. i tried to get into my old mind, perhaps 3-4 years back, think of a specific time and immerse myself in it.

i can't recall how my mind functioned back then, but from the bits and pieces, i was such a stranger. who was that? me? really?

i think i was stupider then. my view of the world was narrow but i felt less burdened because i knew less. things were easier to achieve, or so i believed.

would i rather be who i was back then? my idea of life was easy but it was all an illusion. now i know.

zero

"i like you."

i think that's the worst thing to say to someone.

it carries so many meanings and connotations and so much promise, but at the end of the day it is still not worth anything at all.

"i like you."
"so what?"

who disagrees?

scary memories

girls generally love johnny depp. i don't know why. maybe it's cos they're into pirate cosplay and such kinky shit. i think that's understandable.

many girls also love edward scissorhands. i don't know why. maybe it's cos of johnny depp. if it's cos they're into kinky scissorhands shit, then... expect to see many mutilated genitals.

i wonder if they'll love the movie as much if it wasn't starring johnny depp. seriously i don't understand the allure of that sick sick movie. that movie freaked the living shit outta me when i was a kid.

when i first watched it on tv, i was so freaked out that i felt like vomitting everytime i thought of it. i thought time could heal my wounds, and it did, after years.

then when i was almost recovered, i saw the damn advertisement on tv (bloody channel 5). and FUCK! i felt like vomitting again. the poison was still in me and it was revived.

this went on for quite some time, unfortunate little me. maybe that's why i'm kinda demented now. childhood influences, you see. there was even once when i turned on the tv right in the middle of the movie (bloody channel 5 again).

i was like "hmm this show looks interesting. wonder what it is..." [enter black figure] "OMG EDWARD SCISSORHANDS!" [scramble for remote] that's what nightmares are made of. terribly traumatising for a kid.

even until now i find the movie disturbing. i haven't seen it in years so i guess i'm more or less fine now. i no longer feel like vomitting when i think of it but still i have no wish to watch it.

if girls like it because of johnny depp then they're fine. if they like the movie itself then they're sick demented bitches and i want nothing to do with them.

211212

"some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
some die looking for a hand to hold"
at the bottom - brand new

i watched 2012 a few days ago and i found it to be quite a depressing show. why? because almost everyone died and most of them didn't even know why or had any chance of escaping.

it was just BOOM! die. maybe some of them had the fortune of watching the ground opening up before being swallowed, or saw the wave crashing towards them before taking one last breath.

it's depressing in the knowledge that if something like that happens, it's almost definite that we'll not be the ones escaping in the aeroplane.

i really do believe that such a day will come. maybe not in my lifetime, maybe not as depicted in the movie, but one day, definitely. and then no one will read this blog anymore.

it did nothing to me

i think that i have a very bad temper, but i can control it to the point where i am sure that no one else knows about it. did you know? anyway i've gotten so good at this that i don't even feel it anymore. it really takes a whole lot to piss me off.

a lot of things can make me angry, or have the potential to make me angry if i left it unchecked. but there's no point in getting angry, or at least that's what i believe. when i'm angry i like to destroy, and i really don't like to witness what i can do.

one of the ways i do this is to develop a detachment to things. i step out of my body and if i'm not in there, whatever's coming won't affect me. i step out and look at myself, look at the things that can potentially anger me, and they are so insignificant.

i look at myself and analyse my feelings all the time. why am i getting angry? is it because the situation is damaging me, or because the idea of the situation is? how do i put this?

imagine a person with a gun, he wants to kill me. he pulls the trigger in my face but the gun is not loaded. what damage did it do to me? nothing. but the idea is very damaging. he did it with the intention to kill.

so at this point in this metaphorical story, i would probably start getting angry and want to destroy something (in this case, probably the guy who wanted to kill me). but i don't like to destroy, because it brings about many repercussions. and so i step out and convince myself that it's alright, that i'm fine therefore i shouldn't be angry.

sometimes i surprise myself that i manage to stay calm in the most damaging of situations.

dumb cat

this morning i was predicting rain so i wore my army raincoat for my ride to work. as i was leaving the house, i saw my cat sleeping on the sofa and he opened his eyes a little.

i thought it would be nice to go sayang him for a little while so i started walking towards him. he continued looking at my through his sleepy eyes when suddenly his eyes shot wide open and he jumped up and ran away, ears flat and tail bushy.

i continued walking after him and he was scared as hell. he must have thought i was a monster in that big green raincoat, and he was just as frightened when i returned home.

21

i was reading fb365 about the player of the noughties (year 2000 - 2010) and i thought why are they talking about this now when the decade is not even ending soon?

then i realised FUCK THE DECADE IS ENDING IN 2 MONTHS TIME. feck this.

today i woke up and i was 21. i took a picture of myself so i'll forever remember what i look like now.

we'll see

i feel like buying a bigger, faster bike.

something like this, not that i can easily get something like that in singapore.



i'll still keep the vespa, but it's just good to have something fast and powerful when the need arises.

first i have to upgrade my license...

revenge

today the cat made me bleed for the first time. his claws were stuck in the bedsheet so i helped him to get them out.

the fucker scratched me with those same claws once they were freed.

i wiped my blood on his fur.

grrr

since i've got started, let me tell you about another thing that's been pissing me off: my new maid. actually, 'new' is not really the right word to describe her, given that she's been here for almost a year now, but i don't know what else to call her. my second maid?

anyway. when she first came last year, i thought she was kinda dumb. she would give me a blank face on the rare occasion when i asked her things, or she would totally ignore me altogether, like i was speaking to someone else despite the fact that we were the only people in the room.

well, i thought to myself, i can't really blame her for being dumb, can i? either that or maybe her english was simply hopeless so i just accepted my fate, but at least her cooking was better and the house is 20,000 times quieter than when the previous maid was around.

then as time went by, i realised that she's not dumb. she's been reading robert ludlum books, and once she was even engaging in active conversation with her parcel-collector IN ENGLISH! so fuck, she's not stupid, she's just PRETENDING to be stupid. which then pissed me off a whole lot every time she tried to be dumb and give that ??? face.

i guess she's just subscribing to the well-known and often-used army expression of "act blur, live longer," and she's been doing quite well, because honestly sometimes i really suspect that she's really stupid. in fact, almost everyone at home is pissed with her at some level but we don't really wanna send her back because there's always a risk of getting another maid that's truly stupid.

and i seriously wonder which one is worse...

rain song

it's been raining every day now for the past week or so. normally i would be happily welcoming the rainy season, but this time it's really been pissing me off.

the rain is so annoying because it does nothing except to wet the entire place and increase humidity, thereby increasing my agitation when the sun comes out blazing again.

i'll be fine and happy if it just rained the entire day with dark overcast skies, the whole deal. not this stupid annoying shit.

wow.