i saw it in a dream

some days back, i dreamt of something.

i say something, because there is literally no way for me to describe this dream. what i know is that it was groundbreaking. 

it seemed so simple and pure when it was in my head, and i remember thinking to myself, wow, so this is what it is, why haven't i figured it out before?

i woke up a few seconds later with this still fresh in my mind. i quickly tried to rationalise what i had just experienced, because i knew it was big and it was important and i had to get it right.

but try as i might, i just couldn't get it. the memories of my dream just floated around, taunting, teasing, yet never falling into my grasp. 

soon, even this evaporated away leaving me with nothing but a feeling of bewilderment and disappointment at squandering this breakthrough at something potentially great.

it just is

not a long time ago i used to be very staunch in my ideals. i would observe all these things people were doing and i just couldn't comprehend their rationale, if they were even thinking at all.

i knew that everyone has their own perspective, but damn, if only they could see what i saw, they would see the light!

but here's when we come to add another item to the Great List of Things That Changed From 18 Months of Doing Nothing: 

somewhere along the way, I saw the light.

the things people do might be completely questionable, but i now understood that they were not wrong, because if you think about it with the most open of minds, there is no right or wrong in life. it just is.

seeing things in this manner also gave me a little more breathing room when dealing with peoples' nonsense. it's not that i no longer hate them, and i still have a strong desire to smash their faces, but i now harbour such thoughts with a certain calm and forgiveness towards these people.

this forgiveness also extends to myself in knowing that it is not wrong for me to want to destroy them.

the girl

sometimes i find it quite strange that we put such great importance in finding love, when the possibility of this happening depends almost entirely on luck alone. there is a distinct probability of a person not being able to meet the 'love of his life' EVER.

it doesn't make any sense.

but you know me, i still fall stupidly in love with all these random strange girls, and oftentimes i prefer them to remain as they are, as strangers. this way they retain their perfection and i retain in my mind the possibility that we could be the one for each other.

i have little desire in actually pursuing anything real with these seemingly perfect girls. i know myself all too well, my flaws and my propensity to destroy. (notice i didn't include the possibility that they might not be attracted to me at all, because i'm a sexy beast etc)

besides, i fell in love with their imagined perfection and in getting to know them, this illusion would be so brutally shattered. real people are all fucked up in one way or another. is there anything lovable in them?

things are just fine as they are.